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An article from the Atlantic caught my eye recently, entitled “‘Success Addicts’ Choose Being Special Over Being Happy”. As a recovering “Success Addict” who quit her competitive engineering job to retire 10 years ago, this article resonated with me deeply.
What I realized after reaching FIRE is that it doesn’t solve all your problems. You (or your family members) could still suffer from health problems. You could get stressed climbing a whole new ladder. You still have to find a new community after losing your work social circle. You will still get anxious from time to time.
The difference is that FIRE lets you buy back your time so you can work on all these things. As with all addictions, the first step is acknowledging you have a problem. In this case, success addiction isn’t seen as a problem by society. Rather, it’s celebrated and glorified. Especially now that anyone can use social media to curate their perfect lives and broadcast their success. It’s a vicious cycle.
Having been through success detox multiple times, first having an identity crisis after quitting my job, to later on trying to climb a whole new ladder of FIRE celebrity status (at one point, getting optioned for a FIRE TV series), only to have it all destroyed by the pandemic, then replaced by a family emergency that required us to be in caregiving jail for 3 years, I’ve since learned that chasing success doesn’t lead to true happiness.
According to the Atlantic article:
“You’re not going to find true happiness on the hedonic treadmill of your professional life. You’ll find it in the things that are deeply ordinary: enjoying a walk or conversation with a loved one, instead of working that extra hour , for example”
“This is extremely difficult for many people. If feels almost like an admission of defeat for those who have spent their lives worshipping hard work and striving to outperform others. Social comparison is a big part of how people measure worldly success, but the research is clear that it strips us of life satisfaction.”
I’m not going to lie, some of my life’s most memorable moments have been the “success” related ones—signing a book deal, flying to L.A. to film a sizzle reel for our TV show, being on the front page of the Guardian. But they are short-lived and pale in comparison to the long-lasting impact and meaning of the simple things in my life: spending time with my “ride or die” friends, writing stories with my husband, and raising my son. None of these are considered “successes” by society, and yet, I would not trade them for any amount of fame, wealth, or status.
This is not something I would’ve said 5 years ago. My success addiction pushed me to say “yes” to every opportunity, and as a result, I became just as anxious as I was when I was working. I’d simply traded one ladder for another. I also felt jealousy and FOMO from watching other bloggers get more viewership, affiliate deals, and income (which, by the way, none of us needed). In fact, going to FinCon was absolutely crushing for my self-confidence because all that conference did was remind me of all things that I “should” be doing, like starting a podcast or selling online courses.
In a sense, the pandemic, though horrible, was a great reset. It forced me to delete everything from my hectic schedule and kick my success addiction.
Doing nothing and simply existing, knowing you have enough and being happy was transformative.
Now, I say no to opportunities all the time. I will only take on projects that I find interesting and meaningful rather than to inflate my ego. I can be happy for my peers without jealousy (or even if I feel the FOMO, it quickly passes), and I find joy in mundane things like going to dinner with friends, reading to my son, or going for a walk with my husband. This all took years, a lot of meditation, and learning how to “exist without doing”. It wasn’t easy but it’s deeply comforting.
This is not to say you should never strive to achieve anything or to better yourself. After all, you need the income and the drive to get to FIRE in the first place. But once you’ve accumulated enough, stop trying to chase the next high and switch gears. Go inwards to find true happiness. Internal validation has an end point, but external validation never ends. There will always be someone smarter, richer, more successful than you. This is the ladder that stretches into infinity. You will never reach the top because after you reach it, there will be a new top.
All this is to say, if you’re on the path to FIRE, don’t expect all your problems to be solved the minute you reach that magical number. It won’t. You still have a lot of work to do. But once you have the time and space to do it, you may realize true happiness comes from the ordinary instead of the extraordinary and lasts a lot longer.
You will go through an identity crisis. You will feel lonely. You will feel FOMO that other people are rising up the corporate ladder and you aren’t. That’s all part of the process. Kicking success addiction is hard. Some can’t do it and rush back to their old identity by getting a job. If this is intentional and makes you happy, do it. But if the same patterns of anxiety, stress, and ego inflation continue, you haven’t fixed anything. It’s just another distraction. Breaking out of the Matrix isn’t easy because life inside the Matrix seems a lot more comfortable. But it’s worth it.
What do you think? Do you have a success addiction? If so, how do you break it?
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Thanks for this reminder! Society at large will never call “success addiction” a problem, for a myriad of reasons, so I really appreciate that you’ve articulated its pernicious and deleterious effects on people who are caught in its grip. Wishing you, Wanderer, and Little MatchStick a very happy summer, filled with all the joys that make your hearts sing!
This really resonated especially the part about trading one ladder for another after FIRE. It’s so easy to slip back into chasing external validation, even when you know it doesn’t lead to lasting fulfillment.
Curious—was there a specific turning point or practice that helped you finally detach from the need for external recognition?
Firecracker, I love how honest and authentic you were in this blog post! Even though we’re not quite FIRE yet (but close), I can resonate with a lot of what you wrote. I do worry about feeling lonely once we do hit FIRE (since most people our age will still be working). How to find a FIRE community now that things like Chautauqua no longer exist?
Any advice for enduring caregiving jail? I’ll be there for the foreseeable future. Other than that, will hit FI in Jan 2027, give or take. But will need to replace full time work with full time caregiving, so possibly a wash.
Sending love your way. Caregiving full-time is the true reality of so many folks, but don’t give up on your FI journey! Your money will continue to compound.
Although I’m not Firecracker or Wanderer, my advice would be to make sure that you schedule time/activities/space for yourself to do things that recharge your energy! It’s absolutely necessary to do so in order to show up as best as you can because it will certainly be a hard journey.
Also, do not be afraid to ask for help, especially if you have the access to family, friends, and/or paid professionals. It takes courage to do so, but you’d be surprised at how willing people are to follow clear instructions for the greater goal of care.
My family was in such jail for 12+ years. It shouldn’t be done alone and the primary caretaker is of absolute importance to be given the space to breathe from time to time.
“Caregiving jail”? Say more.
The term is used for trading your time for the caring of some elderly family member
This was a much needed post and great timing for us personally. We have been dealing with the feeling of stepping off the gas and quitting vs knowing that our peers will be far along and have much more in 5+ years than we will. So we are revisiting our why, why did we even start down this FIRE path. We arent getting far with this but its helping.
I love the way you guys write from the heart. (Despite the snarky comments readers make). “going to FinCon was absolutely crushing for my self-confidence” I was so amazed to read this! as a reader you seem to me be ‘crushing IT’ in all ways – blogging, interviews, travel, successfully retiring early! A great reminder that money doesn’t bring happiness automatically – and despite the comeback that ‘it makes misery much more comfortable’, why not aim for happiness instead?
I think you hit the nail on the head when you wrote “Internal validation has an end point, but external validation never ends.” The feeling of contentment, and being at rest with myself and my present life is worth more than the need for success or fear of the FOMO. From what you’ve shared here, I am taking with me the importance of the “Why?” for pursuing FIRE to keep me grounded and focused on a healthy pursuit in the meantime. Thank you for your insight!
I basically agree. Pursuing and celebrating success are good things.
The problem is when you let other people (including “Instagram”, or, I don’t know, “society”) define for you what success is.
Toddler milestones are certainly worthy of celebration. When you meditate, a session can be incredibly successful, even without pictures taken. Even caregiving, constraining as it is, can give you life-changing satisfaction.
For me, a life without success would be a little dull.
A life without Instagram? Yeah, ok, I can do that. 😉
Interesting read! I never realized chasing success could feel so consuming. Your points hit hard—like how we even obsess over flawless Presentation design to prove ourselves. Thanks for this wake-up call; it’s time to rethink what truly matters.
My mom and sister literally had an intervention with me last Friday! I retired last August and they said I am driving myself way too hard and it’s time to realize that I can relax and appreciate life with a slower pace and more intention involving peace and harmony. Thank you for this message and you’re honesty!
I am learning how to be retired from my small town father who has a great garden and goes fishing a lot. I find living in a bigger city increases my need to fill my time in with busy stuff. Plus I hate traffic and try to fit my driving around outside of rush hour, which in itself makes things a little bit too planned to be relaxed. And small town life is typically cheaper so its a positive from that respect. I guess its a trade off for all the interesting restaurants, shops, etc.
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For us personally, this piece couldn’t have come at a better time. The thought of letting off the gas and giving up has been weighing heavily on us, especially since we know that in five or more years our contemporaries will have accomplished so much more. Which is why we are going back to the beginning: the reason we embarked on this FIRE journey. This is helping, but we aren’t making much progress.
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I think success addiction is something many of us fall into without realizing it. We’re always chasing more, yet true happiness usually hides in simple moments. For me, a great example is playing basketball legends . Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose, but the real joy comes from laughing and competing with friends. Life works the same way, success is temporary, but the memories we create last forever.
This is a great perspective on the pursuit of success. It’s easy to get caught up in the external validation and lose sight of what truly matters. Remembering to find joy in the simple things is key. It’s like chasing high scores in Snow Rider 3D – fun for a bit, but real fulfillment comes from genuine connections and experiences.
That title is so thought-provoking! Your personal journey, especially quitting a competitive engineering job to retire at 31 as a ‘recovering Success Addict,’ is incredibly inspiring. It’s fascinating how the Atlantic article’s theme deeply resonated with your experience. I’m eager to read your insights on this!
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It’s so relatable to hear you talk about the trap of “success addiction.” I used to feel that constant pressure to chase the next achievement, comparing myself to others constantly. It’s exhausting! Ironically, focusing on what truly makes me happy, rather than external validation, has brought more genuine fulfillment. Speaking of testing yourself, I found a fun way to gauge my reaction speed under pressure at the Cps Test platform – surprisingly insightful! What matters most is finding your own pace.
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