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Mike Tyson famously said, “everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth” (which makes sense because my son has punched me in the mouth more times than I can count). That’s how I view parenting, and after celebrating my son’s first birthday, I thought I would give you a glimpse into what it was like for two FIRE people to experience the first year of what everyone warned us would be the “hardest thing we’ve ever done.”
Easy Parts
They say different stages of childhood come with different challenges, and it’s true. I don’t know what he’s going to be like in toddlerhood, but so far for the first year, the easiest thing, for the most part, has been diaper changes.
Since Wanderer didn’t grow up as a country bumpkin like me, he gets nauseated just from looking at the poop emoji so this did not bode well for the 6-8 diaper changes a day that Little MatchStick needed.
As it turns out, his nervousness was completely unwarranted because diaper changes ended up being the easiest thing about parenting. Sure, there were lots of blowouts, loads of laundry, constant onesie and crib sheet changes, but since we didn’t need my son’s co-operation, it was a simple, quick, mindless task. Repetitive yes, but simple and easy. During the first month, I’d rather change 100 diapers than do one breastfeeding session.
So, if you’re a new parent or thinking about becoming a parent and worried about the ins/and outs (literally) about cleaning your kid’s butt, it’s a no-brainer.
That said, what parents don’t tell you is that the easiest thing can quickly become the hardest thing, so now that he’s crawling and pulling to stand up, he refuses to lie on his back when we change him, so diaper changes have now become a wrestling match requiring both parents. I also might just regret ever calling this easy when I get to the potty-training stage.
Another thing that was surprisingly easy was travelling. This might have something to do with the fact that he was only 4-6 months old at the time and not mobile so I could just put him in my baby carrier and wear him whereever I went. I couldn’t do the usual adventurous activities prior to having him, but I still had a great time and because I’d figured out breastfeeding by then, I could just pop him on the boob whenever he cried. I fully expect this to change now that he’s mobile and getting into all sorts of shenanigans.
Hard Parts
Hooboy, where do I even begin? As soon as they wheeled me into the operating room, the hard part started and it just got harder from there.
I did not sleep for 72 hours straight as a result of my long-ass birth and C-section recovery. It also didn’t help that breastfeeding was a nightmare on account of the fact that a) my milk was delayed due to C-section and b) Little MatchStick was LGA (larger than gestation age) and at the 98% (meaning he’s bigger than 98% of babies) so he wanted tons of milk CONSTANTLY.
Cluster feeding
During the first week after a baby is born, their stomachs are the size of a cherry so their inability to hold a lot of milk means you have to feed them every 2 hours. At least, that’s what the doctor tells you. But here’s the truth. It can be WAY worse than that. After giving birth, you will be introduced to the horror that is “cluster feeding”, which are short bursts of frequent feeds that destroy your soul and make waterboarding seem like a good time. In my case, because my son was 98% percentile in terms of body weight (we’ve somehow produced a fat baby), and always hungry, in the first few weeks, I had to feed him 21 times in 24 hours! Instead of a consistent 2 hour schedule, it was all over the map, varying from every 30mins-2 hours. I know because I made a spreadsheet of it.
What? I make a lot of spreadsheets when I’m delusional. Don’t you?
Date | Time | Ounces |
13-Sep | 12:30 | 2 |
13-Sep | 1:10 | 1.5 |
13-Sep | 2:30 | 0.5 |
13-Sep | 3:15 | 1.5 |
13-Sep | 3:30 | 0.75 |
13-Sep | 4:00 | 1.25 |
13-Sep | 6:00 | 2 |
13-Sep | 6:45 | 2 |
13-Sep | 7:30 | 0.5 |
13-Sep | 9:16 | 1 |
13-Sep | 10:00 | 1 |
13-Sep | 10:30 | 1 |
13-Sep | 13:30 | 1.5 |
13-Sep | 14:00 | 1.5 |
13-Sep | 16:45 | 2 |
13-Sep | 17:30 | 1.5 |
13-Sep | 18:00 | 0.5 |
13-Sep | 21:30 | 1.5 |
13-Sep | 22:00 | 1 |
13-Sep | 22:30 | 1 |
13-Sep | 23:30 | 1 |
I told my childfree friend about this recently and she said “clusterfeeding happens every 30mins?! Why would you do that?” and my reply was “oh clusterfeeding isn’t something that you DO. It’s done TO you. You have no choice”
It was made worse by the fact that I couldn’t get my boob milk flowing so I had to pump like crazy. This meant that if I wasn’t feeding him through a bottle, I was pumping, and right after I finished pumping, he’d be hungry again. Often I didn’t pumped enough and needed to supplement with formula. It was a vicious, never-ending cycle.
Breastfeeding
Breastfeeding would eventually pay off dividends (especially when travelling), but boy was it hell when I was first trying to figure it out.
Feeding my son 21 times a day caused my nipples to bleed and constant shooting pains in my chest to the point that I couldn’t lie flat on my front anymore.
I’m so glad that’s over. Now, breastfeeding is even enjoyable and I actually miss it now that my son eats solid food and I’m constantly cleaning dishes and picking up food he threw on the floor.
Car rides
Some kids love riding in cars and it’s the only place they can fall asleep. My son is not one of those kids.
Little MatchStick hates car rides so much he’ll scream bloody murder if he’s strapped down in his carseat for more than 20 mins. This is why we favour trains and subways and try to avoid driving like the plague. The reason is probably because I can’t bounce or breastfeeding him when he’s strapped in a car seat and he also hates not being able to see out the window when he’s back facing. The upside is that he might just be a future environmentalist since he loves public transportation so much more than cars.
Preventing Shenanigans
One of my friends described watching a toddler like driving on the highway: it’s boring as hell but you can’t take your eyes off for a second because that’s when bad things happen. That’s exactly what it’s like watching my recent infant-turned-toddler. He can crawl and pull up to stand which means he’s mobile enough to jump off furniture, play with electrical sockets and do all sorts of dangerous things. Childproofing our apartment helps but he still finds ways to get into shenanigans that keeps us on our toes. Watching him like a hawk has been exhausting and the only reprieve we get is when he’s napping or after he’s gone to bed (luckily he goes to bed early and his naps are pretty consistent after we sleep trained him).
Fun Parts
I know I sound like I’m complaining about parenting A LOT. And the truth is there are lots of fun parts too. Parts that my mom never told me about. Parts that make me grateful to be a mom. Turns out, it’s not all just “I had to sacrifice everything to raise you” and “parenting is the worst”.
Parenting has a lots of bright moments and the unconditional love your child gives you isn’t comparable to anything else.
One of my most heard phrases from other parent is “It’s different when it’s your kid.” And this is so true. The fact that you see little pieces of yourself in their personality, the fact that you grew them for 9 months, the fact that they repeat back to you what you taught them is what makes this whole thing worth it. The reward is the process of parenting itself.
You created a human from scratch and sculpted them from a immobile blob to a full-fledged little person with feelings, thoughts, and ideas. Plus, they give you the most adorable smiles, cuddles and even if you look and feel like crap, they don’t care. To them you are the most important person in the world. You feel unconditionally loved, needed, and that’s super cool. Coming from a place of childhood trauma, this unconditional love is super foreign to me. As someone who used to flinch whenever she got hugged and associate the word “mother” with “beatings” and “trauma”, becoming one myself has surprised me in many ways.
What also surprised me was I found that the saying “you will have so much empathy for your mother when you become one” was not true. In fact, quite the opposite. But that’s a post for another time.
So, after surviving 1 year as a parent, I discovered that even with a supportive partner that is with me 24/7 and a portfolio that pays my bills while I sleep, it’s still a struggle. It wasn’t until 3 months after my son was born that I started to enjoy motherhood and from what I heard, that’s pretty early.
Kudos to all the parents out there, with a special shout-out to all the single parents. I honestly don’t know how you do it. And for those who don’t want to have kids, your decision is 100% valid. The responsible thing to do is not to have kids if you can’t stomach the sacrifice that you have to make and if you know you won’t enjoy the process. The way society romanticizes parenthood and pushes couples to have kids is wrong. The shiny versions of parenting on Instagram and TikTok are lies. Only have kids if you want kids and don’t give a crap what anyone says. It’s a ton of sacrifice and may not be worth it for you.
Also, totally unrelated question: for the parents out there, are you “one and done” (ie happy with just one child)? If so, why? And if not, why not?
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We were blessed with just the ONE even though we knew we wanted to have another one (or two) so there was plans and even had the names already picked.
The lesson… man plans but God always decides so don’t wait too long like we did. That in a nutshell will always be our biggest regret of them all.
ImmigrantOnFIRE
Well, blessed is the correct word because for many people “one” isn’t even an option no matter how hard they try.
I’m so grateful to have one and he’s exceeded all my expectations so far. For me, there’s no need to be greedy and I have no regrets 🙂 Very unlikely to role the dice and get lucky again a second time. I will take my winnings and go home 😀
I’m so happy for you! We have one child as well. Now that she is in middle school we host exchange students so she can have “siblings.” It works out well for us. We didn’t have to pay for daycare or a minivan yet our child learns to share and has a new companion each school year. They do arts & crafts, bake cookies and play games. There are many ways to welcome kids into your family without the permanent commitment of paying for daycare, college and upgrading to a mini-van. And two teens eat ALOT. Glad to go back to one kid in the off-season.
FYI what you call “unconditional love” is actually co dependency. A baby directs attention to you because you feed him and societal pressure/ mothering instincts prevent you from taking it behind the woodshed…
We have more than one (three kids now age 17-boy, 14-girl, and 11-boy) because we wanted more kids ourselves and we love our siblings so much and wanted our kids to have that experience. Especially after going through some hard times with parents and other extended family, our siblings were the ones we could really understand and lean on. I know that’s not everybody’s story, but it is both my husband’s (he has a sister) and mine (I have 2 sisters and 2 brothers and I am the eldest). It is expensive and hard in many ways, but I love them so much and how they interact with us and each other is so fascinating and brings tears of joy to my eyes often. They fight too, don’t get me wrong. But that’s not the main story. The main story is that love is present and it is fascinating to see yourself be able to just grow love with every child. You don’t have to spread it out. Just like a portfolio, it grows, only it’s guaranteed to just get bigger when needed. 😉 Your time sadly does not grow, so obviously the dynamic is different with each child added, but it’s not a bad thing, just different. They are all such different humans with interesting gifts and talents and curiosity. I look forward to seeing all they do in the world. And I know they won’t be perfect, but I’m proud of who they are and that we chose to have them and be a family. And did I mention it’s expensive? Ha! Transportation, school activities, supplies, clothes, FOOD for teenagers (holy cow it’s unbelievable how much my 6’5” 17 year old can eat), sports, music lessons, travel, etc. wowza. We look at our childless or one child friends and joke about how we could have a much bigger portfolio and vacation homes in other countries if we had decided to go that route. But I don’t think we’d be happier. Just richer on paper.
Awesome! Thanks for sharing your experience. I have zero siblings (due to China’s one child rule) so I have no idea what I’m missing. You’re right that it would lessen the burden on my son when I age. But then again there’s no guarantee my kids would take care of me when I get old regardless of how many kids I have. That’s what money is for 😉
And glad to know of the upsides as well as the downsides of more kids.
FYI codependency is “excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one who requires support on account of an illness or addiction.”
Babies are dependent, yes, but NOT codependent.
Also, babies can be fed by and get attention from anyone- that does not mean they will like them. My six month old knows who she likes and does not like. She is capable of smiling at people she loves (by that I mean a baby understanding and demonstration of love), and can reach out toward people or shy away.
FIREcracker is explaining how they bond she is experiencing makes her feel loved unconditionally, and that is a beautiful thing. Plus it is accurate as she describes.
This was a response to “P” above.
Not sure why the comment was not posted as a reply.
(Or why my avatar is a grumpy green face?!)
As a happily child free woman, I cannot thank you enough for writing that it’s ok to not have kids and to only have them if you really want them. These days we hear the opposite a LOT, especially in the US 🙄 I too grew up with childhood trauma and being the child of parents who didn’t really want me is something only those who’ve experienced it can understand. For people on the fence, please check out the subreddit “regretfulparents.” Even if only 5% of it is true, it’s still horrific. Kudos to you FireCracker for transcending your own trauma and best of luck with your relationship with your mom. My sisters (who have kids) had much more distant relationships with our parents once they had their own kids – I’m not saying this is what you should do, just that you’d be in good company if you do. Thank you for all you do!!!!! 😊
Good for you, Fille Frugale! You do you and don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise. I’ve read many articles and reddit threads from the childfree community and parenting definitely isn’t for everyone. Sorry to hear about your childhood trauma. It’s not something we can ever forget, but hopefully FIRE can be used as a tool for you to have time and space so you can heal.
Thank you so much 🥰
I was an only child and it was very lonely for me. So that is the reason I have 5 kiddos—four from birth and one adopted. I love having a big family and love watching the bond that all of my children have with each other (something I never got to experience).
Oh interesting! That is a very valid reason for giving your kids siblings. I was perfectly happy as an only child and had many cousins and friends to play with so it wasn’t the same experience for me but I can see where you’re coming from.
Thank you for sharing your story, it is so sincere. I can relate with much of it (the endless waiting for the milk to arrive, feeding every 1h20 mins, the sleepless nights until sleep training, the shenanigans, etc.). Each age has its beauty and difficulties, the good and sad things, that everything passes. You will master it all, you’ve got it in you.
We have one and only, and while I wanted a second one, my partner was on the fence. And then when the nature didn’t allow it, my partner is happy, I am a little sad, that our kid won’t have a sibling and I won’t go through hell and heaven again. We did what we could, the rest was decided for us.
Whatever decision you make, it will be what is best for you and your family.
Thanks, Arcy! Yes, it’s true that it could very well be not up to me. I’m also, 100% for not going through hell again.
We have 3 children and I’m very happy with that decision, now they are all in their 20’s. lol!
I believe one of the best reasons to have more than one child is, as parents when you age, a lot falls to your children. If your child is fortunate enough to have siblings the practical and emotional assistance can be divided.
It’s not something I thought of when I was in my 20’s and 30’s but in my late 40’s this really hit home when many friends were having to step in to take care of their elderly parents. Being able to share the workload (so to speak) with their siblings really helped.
“as parents when you age, a lot falls to your children.” Yes, other readers have have mentioned that so I see where you are coming from. I don’t want the burden of taking care of me to fall on my child, so I’ll be using money to hire PSWs for that purpose 🙂 Sure, it’ll decrease their inheritance but hey, beats having to wipe my ass 😀
My reason for having my son isn’t to take care of me (I have zero expectation in that field, so that helps relieve the guilt of not giving them a sibling)
This post made me laugh and cry, and brought back so many memories, good and bad, now that our 3 kiddos are older (16/14/10). It’s still hard, but in different ways. Two of my best friends have single kids, and I think it’s worked very well for them, both resource-wise and getting to focus on the one kiddo. On the other hand, my children often have to fend for themselves as my husband and I aren’t able to meet ALL their needs, all at once (I used to say “stop, only one of you can cry at a time!” so I do think it has fostered some independence and resilience in some areas. I think one thing to remember is that we don’t know what we are going to get when we have kids. One of ours is on the autism spectrum, and another has ADHD. Both have brought much joy but there have been many struggles – I couldn’t work full time due to a lot of therapy and doctor appointments, and not all of the therapy and medications are covered, so it’s an added expense. Something like this could, potentially, derail a couple’s FIRE plans. And kids are expensive if you subscribe to the many activities a child can do, and fall into the “my kid is going to the NHL” trap.
Thanks for spelling out both the good and the bad. And this speaks to me: ” has fostered some independence and resilience in some areas”. I think I might fall into the trap of over-parenting/helicopter parenting my son since we’re lucky enough to be able to spend so much time with him. Siblings may help with that.
I wouldn’t mind more kids, but it was one and done with Mrs. RB40. She said she couldn’t squeeze out another one. Also, she couldn’t breastfeed. We had to go to formula. It worked out fine. Hang in there. Kids are a lot easier once they go to kindergarten…
Enjoy motherhood!
“She said she couldn’t squeeze out another one. ”
I don’t blame her. The fear of having to go through birth again and the hell of the first month is enough to push me towards “one and done”.
Good to know they are easier once they’re kindergarten age!
We have two kids, one 7.5 and one 2.5, and the main reason I wanted to have two is so that they each have someone who’s been along for the ride, someone who understands almost everything about the home and the people they grew up with, and for that shared history to hopefully be helpful for them throughout their lives.
My younger brother and I are coincidentally also five years apart in age, and while I was initially planning to have two closer together a job change and a global pandemic got in the way! There are definite pros and cons to having children closer in age vs. more spaced out. I was so grateful to have a bigger kid during the second round of newborn days, but it can be hard sometimes now when they are in really different developmental chapters. They still find ways to play together a lot though, and I’m hopeful that their relationship will grow even more as they get older (my brother is one of my very favorite people.)
It took me a while to enjoy becoming a parent as well, and it was emotionally very helpful for me to observe how random things were harder and certain things were easier with a second kid, with very little change in my parenting approach. For example my first wouldn’t sleep through the night for months during the first year, and my second slept through the night reliably pretty quickly by comparison. So, parenting “successes” and “failures” can really be the luck of the draw, depending on the kid, which made me retrospectively feel a lot better about the ups and downs of my first year as a parent.
Going from one to two kids was easier for me than going from zero to one, but it was the opposite for my partner. It was also really hard on our older kid for the first couple of months to have so much less attention and one-on-one time with us, but we got through it with lots of reassurance and naming feelings and focused attention whenever we could make it happen.
Thanks for the update on your parenting journey, I always enjoy these posts!
“my brother is one of my very favorite people”
– Wow! This is awesome. Lucky you! Most of my friends with siblings are just “ok” with them. Obviously they love them siblings but they’re not BFFs. Maybe this is why I’m “meh” about siblings.
“Going from one to two kids was easier for me than going from zero to one, but it was the opposite for my partner.”
– Fascinating! Why is that? I have heard people say it’s more than twice the work to go from one to two. I had no idea it could be the opposite for each spouse.
Honestly, I think it just triggered different mental health stuff for both of us at different times. 😀 You never know what will surface when.
I like that one year when babies are just babies! lol
Now my son is 2 years and he already started showing all sorts of tantrums!
Hooboy, something for us to look forward to…
My wife and I are one-and-done. We thought we wanted 2 but after the first one was born we realized that all the love and attention we give him would have to be divided in half if a second one came along. Siblings fight constantly, which is the bane of our 2- and 3-kid friends’ existences, and (thinking far ahead) I’ve heard many heartbreaking stories of sibling rancor after parents pass away.
Also, we can take our son on outings based on his interests and developmental level – if he wants to go to the zoo we take him to the zoo – without having to drag along a separate, disinterested child who is too old, too young or not interested. I remember growing up with 2 siblings and it was a miracle if 2 of the 3 of us were engaged in whatever we were doing together as a family. (Which may be why we didn’t do a lot together as a family.)
Having one kid gives us all of the fun of each stage of watching a kid grow up, with less friction and pain. I’d highly recommend the book “Parenting an Only Child” by Susan Newman. It lays out this and many other excellent, compelling arguments in favor of not bowing to social/family pressure to have more kids and sticking with one, if that’s your preference.
Ooh! Thanks so much for this perspective! I will definitely get that book. It sounds right up my alley.
I always thought that one would be enough but so happy that we had two.
Actually had the oldest say “I’m so glad that I wasn’t an only child, couldn’t have handled all the attention”. Plus seeing their different personalities and how much they love and support each other.
Two daughters, four years apart.
“I’m so glad that I wasn’t an only child, couldn’t have handled all the attention”.
HAHA. I love this. So self-aware.
Single child household here. Yes as mentioned he gets lonely at times. But it is importantly to keep the child engaged with activities and hang out with friends. My boy is extremely outgoing so it is not a big issue. But watch out if your son is more thr introvert personality.
Also a pet would help when he is a little older.
Interesting tip about the extroverted personality. Not sure what my son is yet. He’s very happy to interact with people and doesn’t have stranger danger so might be an ambivert or extrovert. I guess only time will tell.
While some people absolutely should not have kids for a whole host of reasons, demographics are destiny. If productive, mostly progressive, couples/individuals who add real value to society keep having none or one, goodbye progressive democratic rich society. Literally 60% of my high school graduating class never had children. Very few have the option now. Miscarriages and IVF failures abound. Canada and other rich countries are able to put a band-aid on the problem by increasing immigration. But as the entire world moves below replacement fertility, all we are doing is robbing developing countries of the people they also need to function, while also making them bear the burden of raising those future emmigrants. We absolutely need to change the culture around children and building families. Saying people absolutely have a right to choose sounded great 40 years ago when most places had replacement fertility. But when our pension/investment portfolio and healthcare depend on the next generation being able take on the burden, how free are we to throw our responsibilities to the wind?
Ignoring the economics, having kids is literally when a person finally grows up. You are not the most important person in your life anymore. Life is fuller. Like seeing colour for the first time. Its hard, but more rewarding than anything else you have ever done.
The greatest tragedy of our generation (Gen-X/Millennial) is that we somehow all collectively decided kids/marriage suck or to delay until it was too late. “How could you bring a child into this world with how things are?” is an insane statement when we literally live in the safest and richest time in the history of our planet. Your ancestors struggled for nearly four billion years through apocalyptic hardship so you could stand here today enjoying infinite protein, sugar and fat while sheltered from stormy weather.
“My N³⁸ grandma kept the family safe and fed while avoiding being eaten by starving velociraptors while the world burned and froze from a climate altering asteroid, but I choose not to have kids because reasons”
Have kids, as many as you can. They are literally the future. You won’t regret it, I guarantee.
Wholeheartedly agree! There is a lot to unpack here but we really ought to strive as a society to make child rearing more common. Some of that is a personal attitude change (knowing that this is the best time in history) and some is a societal change (decrease cost of living through intelligent urban design such as pro-housing reforms).
Hey at least the environment will be happy 🙂 Too many people already as it is.
Also, it’s better to have people who want to have kids have them than push people who don’t want to be parents to procreate. That’s not good for society. That’s how you get neglected/abused children.
Yes, we are one and done. I kind of semi-forced my partner to this with family pressure (I wanted kids myself too since high school, but that may be romanticized version of books I read about a woman is not complete if she is not a mother). Luckily our son is great as far as a child could go, but his existence still unfortunately reminds me and my partner some past trauma that has not healed. He is becoming his own person, and we love him dearly. I especially am happy and sad to see that him expressing his feelings his desires without worrying too much, a thing that my partner and I are conditioned to suppress or repress when growing up due to family and cultural influences. The baby and toddler years are hard, more labor-intensive hard. It doesn’t get easier when they grow up when they have their own feelings and thoughts too. This is quite a learning experience for me, since I grew up in traditional Chinese families and always lived under the conditioning that parents controlled the kids for good.
“This is quite a learning experience for me, since I grew up in traditional Chinese families and always lived under the conditioning that parents controlled the kids for good.”
Oh yeah, tell me about it. There are many things I love about my Chinese background but the very one-sided “parents know everything and kids should only obey” is not one of them. That said, I feel like North American style of parenting is too child-centric. I prefer French and German parenting, which is more in the middle.
Glad your son is able to express his feelings and desires.
I read some bloggers and fancy finland educational systems. US middle class parents are unfortunately creating another anxious generation. I wonder what is French and German parenting styles?
I’m not an expert by any means on French and German parenting. From base level research via the “Bring up Bebe” and “Achtung Baby books, their approaches seems to give children more autonomy than Chinese parenting but also care about the parents and no make children the center of their universe like North American parenting. It’s intriguing.
Love hearing your story as you guys transitioned to becoming parents! It is the wildest ride and I feel very similar to you about how long it takes to enjoy and how it isn’t for everyone but is the best thing I’ve ever done! It’s very confusing haha. We have two kids and think we are done now, I wasn’t done after one because I felt like I had learned so much from having one that I thought would work with the second, turns out almost none of it applied. And there is something very special about a sibling bond which both my partner and I had growing up. Nice to have someone to play with!
“learned so much from having one that I thought would work with the second, turns out almost none of it applied. ”
I have also heard of this. Very interesting and good to set realistic expectations if we ever have another.
Now that my parents, aunts, and uncles have all passed away, only my two siblings and some cousins are left, and I am so grateful to have them. Nothing really beats family, provided that the relationships are good. We have two kids, separated by five years. If I were doing it again, and in an ideal world, I would go for more, closer together in age, to help build strong relationships between them. But you never know how things will turn out. Best wishes! Little Matchstick looks soooo cute.
Aww, thanks jnk. Amazing that you have all these wonderful familial relationships. So happy for you!
This is a great reflection and thank you so much for sharing.I was one and done until our son was about 18 months when I forgot all the hard parts. Because my partner wanted another, and I realised I did too, and IVF with both, I was totally with it for all the reasons you’ve mentioned. Now we have a five months old and a three year old and I can’t imagine it any other way. It’s a big decision!
Oh wow, 18 months is when you forgot the hard parts. I will have to see if I forget in another 8 months 🙂 I’m so glad IVF worked out to give you both of your kiddos!
“What also surprised me was I found that the saying “you will have so much empathy for your mother when you become one” was not true. In fact, quite the opposite. But that’s a post for another time.”
This sentiment is true in a healthy family system. When you have one that’s dealing with trauma cycles and abuse, though, if you’re fortunate enough to have gathered enough distance to recognize the system you were enmeshed in growing up, I’ve found that I look at my children and think, “I would never do this to you and even if I make mistakes, I won’t make THIS one.”
“I would never do this to you and even if I make mistakes, I won’t make THIS one.” Beautiful sentiment. Breaking the cycle of generation trauma is hard, but it can be done. Definitely not easy though.
Hey guys. Love the updates. As someone of similar age who also lives in Canada and wants kids I would love to see the change in your spending and costs related to having a kid. I realise you always do year end spending, but now that your baby is one yrs old would love to see how that specific year has been.
I tend to hear a lot of opinions from my non fire friends. That FIRE could deprive my future kids of activities/sports/things which I highly disagree with. And I do have a few financially savvy friends who know nothing about FIRE but actually say kids don’t cost that much, however they don’t track their spending. Would love to see your points of view on this and also potentially future plans as your kid grows up.
It’s something I’m very interested in reading about as a lot of friends won’t even look at FIRE stuff for this reason alone. One other factor I think about also is I hear a lot of north american FIRE enthusiasts talk about saving for their child’s future education, when they themselves have paid for their own third level education. Where as in a lot of the world, third level (university) is free. Why do you think it is that some parents want to save for this rather than teaching the kids how to do it on their own, or encourage them to study something/someplace that is free.
I think only in the US the middle -class parents save for kids’ college education because it is simply too expensive. It is not realistic to ask a college kid these days to work and study and hope that would cover their whole tuition and fees, with few exceptions like scholarships, high-paid internships, they are big time youtubers with tons of view etc. Even decent state universities cost 20k a year for tuition, plus fees and living expenses, we are talking about 36k to 37k a year. Sure you could live super frugally, but what types of labor work pays 36k after taxes? cashier at supermarket pays 15 to 16 bucks an hour, whatever campus job less than 20 bucks an hour, maybe summer jobs would help, but how many summer jobs could pay 20k in three months after taxes? If you are lucky to get paid internships, that would help. Sure you could go to cheaper schools or community colleges to start, but that may affect your degree, internship or future employment, and how much does that actually save in the long run? If parents don’t need to sacrifice to help pay for decent public colleges in the US, I think it is a good use of money to help a young person who wants to make a stand in the society for him/herself. I heard Canadian colleges are a lot cheaper. One guy I know who works at U Toronto said it would only cost less than 10k Canadian dollars a year for his kids to go to UT. What a bargain!
“I would love to see the change in your spending and costs related to having a kid”
Good suggestion. Will add that to the queue of my future articles.
Basically here’s what I found:
being FIRE is a huge advantage because in the early years (age 0-4) before school starts the biggest expense is childcare. When you’re FI, that expense no longer applies.
Transportation is also cheap for FIRE people because you don’t have to drive to work and/or drive your kids to daycare daily.
Diapers aren’t as expensive as I was expecting. Around $40-70/month depending on whether you get the more expensive bio-degrable diapers or just regular pampers.
Formula costs a lot in the first month ($250/month) as you’re figuring out breastfeeding but tapers off if you can get it going and then it’s free breastmilk.
Onesies you can get from the thrift-store for $3.99 for an entire bag, so they work out to be 50 cents each. Don’t bother buying new. My family members gave LMS new onesies and he immediate spit up and crapped all over them. Then grew out of them in mere weeks. The new and the used ones looked the same just days later.
Breast pump I managed to essentially “rent” for free since I bought it second hand and then sold it back on to the second hand market.
Actually buying used from FB market place saved me thousands because I can just buy used and then sell it back.
Will do a detailed breakdown in a future post.
One and done here and we LOVE it. We fit in the back of a taxi. We have our own row on most planes. I’m happy every time I buy tickets and pay for extracurricular activities and contribute to the college fund. We don’t have space issues in our urban apartment. We have small sized cargo bikes instead of the car sized ones. But the thing we love most is how calm and relatively quiet our home is. My kid is plenty loud and busy and messy and chaotic, but the noise level of one child vs multiple is no joke. Our kid wanted sibling until she started having more playdates and now she constantly thanks us for not having more kids. I have two sister and my husband is an only child. We are now dealing with older parents/family members and my husband is so thankful he’s an only child and can make decisions quickly and easily with no family drama. I also think that only children create their own families. My husband’s crew of friends are as close if not closer than I am to my sisters. But at the end of the day, whatever you choose will be the right decision.
“But the thing we love most is how calm and relatively quiet our home is. ”
This is super appealing to me. I took LSM to an indoor playground for his first birthday and it was so nice and calm during the working hours and then chaos once a bunch of other kids came in. As an only child, I’m not made for chaos and noise.
Thanks for sharing your experience!
One biokid here, and then foster kids (up to 6 at a time!)
The family dynamics you get with a large family is a rewarding experience (it was for us).
And FIRE means it was two parents, full time.
Unsolicited advice: try a playpen. It allows LM to practice coasting, and to focus on whatever else you put in there. There are amazing toys for that age. And even books!
And lest I forget: HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY, LM!
Aww, thanks Riccardo! It’s nice to see that having a large family is a rewarding experience for you!
Thanks for the playpen tip. I actually did buy him a playpen when he was just starting to crawl and it worked out great—for 1 month. Then he got even more mobile and started crying and trying to breakout of it, so I sold it. Now he hates all sorts of playpens. Guess they never stay the same and solutions we use have to keep changing. Now it’s trying to go outside as much as we can and hit up the playgrounds.
HEYO! Great post 🙂
Our little sebastian is 6 months old and I am now just starting to really enjoy the process. The first 1-3 months were a total blur, I was uncomfortable and out of my depth, even at times questioning if we made the right call having kids (as I am kinda selfish and enjoy my own personal time and value that a lot. Easier with a partner. Not so easy with a newborn).
But I’m happy to say out the other side of that and now enjoying it as he becomes more animated.
As for your question, I think I am 1 and done. But not 100% confirmed. I just don’t feel I have much time for things I enjoy lately. If we add another kid I have absolutely no idea how we would juggle everything. I am fully aware others do it, but not sure I want to go back into newborn mode once we have a kid in preschool and get a bit more independence back.
The argument is usually give the kid a sibling as they will enjoy it, not get as bored, better socially and I have not seen any research to back up those claims. In many cases siblings hate each other, it’s not always besties. Also, I know many many kids who didn’t have a sibling and they all well adjusted functioning human beings.
That’s my two cents.
Love to see you guys in Europe again soon 🙂
Patrick & Basia (and now Sebastian)
YAY! It’s Patrick! So good to hear from you and congrats on your kiddo! Thanks for being so honest. Yeah, totally with you that the first 3 months are the worst. I’m just as relieved as you that it gets better and easier (in some ways). As tiring as it is with him becoming more mobile, no way I want to go back to the first 3 months. I think I’m with you on the “one and done”.
I chose to be child-free and it is best decision for self. My partner who already had 2 good kids with his ex, did offer to become a father again. But I refused . I could see already the thought tired him already at 48.
I am eldest of 6 and did witness stress of my low-income parents. I was often the default babysitter for younger siblings.
Whenever I hear people complain about siblings and if the disagreement is small, I remind them: your parents chose to give to you siblings, friends for life.
“I could see already the thought tired him already at 48.”
Can totally understand this. We are in our early 40s and our backs are killing us. Doing it at 48 would be rough.
Wow. Lots of comments, I guess whether to have kids and how many is a topic that really engages people!
We have two which is awesome, and sometimes we think about having a third, but it’s also a little bit daunting thinking about where to get the resources for that. Mostly time, energy and attention are the resources I worry about. Luckily, financially, things are in a pretty decent spot.
I have a different question for you, Wanderer and Firecracker. Sorry if I missed this in any of your other posts, but what is your plan for location for the next few years? Are you planning to stay in Canada, or enjoy the benefits of living abroad?
I think that would be an interesting blog post, if you’re up for it.
Thanks as always for the great blog.
Thanks for sharing your experience, LB.
In terms of our location plans, we have several we’re evaluating. Going back to being nomadic (but moving around slower than before), have a homebase in Canada and travel during the winter and fall, or move abroad to Thailand or Portugal and try to get a second passport or digital nomad visa. We need to get LMS’s vaccinations done first (after month 18, we shouldn’t need anymore until age 4) so we’re going to stay in Canada to do that, while travelling to Europe on shorter trips to see how he does. If he continues to enjoy travelling, we’ll go more towards the nomadic option. If not, then the homebase or expat option. We try not to plan too far out ahead since we know kids are constantly evolving.
My only child just turned 28. He is a wonderful, loving, crazy-smart, well-adjusted young man. Please give absolutely no credence to those who say only children end up being selfish or lonely because they are “deprived” of siblings. Spoiled children grow up in multi-child families too and not all siblings are playmates. I have a brother and we get along fine but we have almost nothing in common and I don’t recall ever playing together as children. We may have grown up in the same house but I say we actually lived on different planets. Family outings usually catered to his and my dad’s interests – i.e. anything mechanical (we went to San Diego once and I didn’t get to go to the zoo or Sealand or the museums… we went on a harbour tour to see the Navy ships!).
I’m so glad I had only one child because my son has always had strong interests with high energy/low sleep needs – he could happily spend full days investigating science centers and museums from a young age (he now has university degrees in both chemistry and history). I shudder to think how hard life would have been if I’d had a second child with a need for quiet environments and regular naps! There would almost always have been one miserable child.
As the mother of an “only” you can listen to your son’s needs and encourage his interests while also setting appropriate boundaries (he is going to start testing them very soon – they don’t call them the “terrible twos” for nothing) and continuing to live a rich, fulfilling life!
“my son has always had strong interests with high energy/low sleep needs – he could happily spend full days investigating science centers and museums from a young age”
LOL. This sounds like my son.
Thanks for sharing your experience!
Happily childfree Dutchwoman here, with one younger sister. I’m commenting to say that the argument that having a sibling is always a good thing is bogus. My sister and I were like chalk and cheese from the get go and were never actually friends, and my mother was in fact overwhelmed with 2 small kiddos at home and would probably have done better parenting just one. Then my sis was very difficult through a very long puberty and my parents were in no way prepared for that because I was a total goody two-shoes. I left home for good as soon as I could just to escape the fighting and drama and bickering. I hate to say this, but my childhood and early adulthood would probably have been nicer if my parents had realised their limitations and stopped at one.
Wow, sorry to hear about the difficulty you had in childhood. Very honest response and I appreciate you sharing your 2 cents!