After we covered the saga of the Redditors and Gamestop a few weeks ago, our prediction came true a few days later: the stock crashed in value from a high of around $350 all the way down to $40, for an 89% loss. Much wailing and gnashing of teeth ensued on the Reddit forums while the rest of the investing world pointed and laughed. And then we all moved on with our lives to obsess over Meghan Markle.
I had forgotten about these guys for a while, until one day I logged into my Questrade account. As I was poking around my portfolio, an old watch window I had open for Gamestop caught my eye. $264? What was going on? So I brought up a price chart on the stock and this is what it looked like.
Hoo boy. Here we go again.
So apparently, after the last devastating price crash that made 90% of the Redditors lose their shirts, rather than stepping back, licking their chops, and maybe learning a thing or two about investing, the WSB people took one look at this $1.9 Trillion stimulus bill that just got passed by the US government and thought “Hey! I’ve got more stimulus money coming my way! Let’s do it again!”
And so the circle of Retard begins anew.
Now, before you start writing me angry messages about using that word to describe these people, you should know that I didn’t come up with it. “Retards” is what the people on /r/WallStreetBets call each other, and they treat it as a badge of honour.
Now, as much fun as making fun of stupid people is, I’ve already said all I wanted to say about these people last time around, so out of morbid curiousity I started clicking around the subreddit to see if there was any new angles I could write about. And that’s when I stumbled on this post: How To Keep Your Newly Minted Title of Millionaire.
I was like “Oh, interesting. Someone’s trying to give people financial advice on this subreddit. This should be interesting.”
Here’s how the post starts.
So, you did it. You did your due diligence, you did the math, you summoned your courage to press that ‘Buy’ button, and now those stocks and options have granted you a title you only dreamed of having.
Congratulations! You beat the odds that so many before you have failed to overcome. You played the game, and came out on top. Now it’s time to buy that house you always dreamed of, or that car you always wanted to drive, right? Sure, if you want to lose your title of millionaire. However, if you ‘d like to stay a millionaire, there are some things you may like to consider. This is not financial advice, but rather, 3 pieces of life suggestions. A survival guide so to speak, of the next 6 months and how to protect your new title.
OK, OK. So they’re trying to get people to not blow their money on a lambo. That’s not the worst thing to ever come out of this subreddit.
Interest piqued, I scrolled through the advice they were giving out. Some of it was fairly obvious, common sense stuff. Don’t tell your friends/family right away, here’s how to report your gains to the IRS, etc. Fine, good. But then, I came across this…
If you want this money to last more than 5 years, you’re gonna want to treat it as if it wasn’t there.
“Wait, what? Then why do I have this money if I’m not gonna use it?!” You will use it. Just not as a sum of cash. If you have $1.8 million, you are not going to go out and buy a $1 million dollar house and a $200,000 Lamborghini. You’ll only have $600,000 left! Instead, you might want to turn to FIRE, or Financial Independence, Retire Early. There, you are going to use your newfound money as a source of income. An easy equation for this is 4%…
NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE DON’T LIKE DON’T LIKE
OK, I am fully aware that the ethos of this site is that the knowledge of how to achieve Financial Independence should be available for everyone, but I’m going to have to amend that today. The knowledge of how to achieve Financial Independence should be available for everyone EXCEPT THESE REDDIT MORONS.
I don’t know about you, but given how reckless we’ve seen these guys behave, especially with making massive, leveraged, market-distorting bets for no reason than “for the lulz,” I want these maniacs to keep their diamondy hands as far away from our Index funds as possible!
So if anyone from /r/WallStreetBets is googling what this whole FIRE thing is and stumbles on this post, I have a message for them.
Well hello there! Thanks for taking the time that you normally spend swiping around on Robinhood while on the can to visit our blog. You might be looking at a big green number right now on your account balance with a shit-eating grin, and wondering “Were my parents wrong about me? Am I a genius after all?”
Well, we all know the answer to those questions: Yes, and HELL Yes!
So now you’re sitting there thinking “So what should I do with all this money?”
Well, I am here to tell you what you should absolutely NOT do with it: This stupid FIRE thing.
FIRE instructs you to invest your money in index funds, which as we all know is lame and boring. 6-8% returns per year is a pittance compared to the 500% overnight success you’ve managed to get, and as we all know, you are a lot of things, but you are definitely not lame and boring. No need to hook yourself up to this wagon of lame-o’s who are all like “invest responsibly” and “don’t pick individual stocks.” That is so, like 2019 advice. You are a rocket ship powered by unicorn farts, headed straight to the moon, and you should spend your money accordingly.
Here are a few suggestions JUST for you…
Ah, lambos. Lamborghinis have been the symbol of success ever since the crypto hodl gang people started mistaking luck for skill. And are you just going to let all the crypto guys have all the fun? Hell no!
And besides, what’s the point of having money if everyone can’t see the fact that you have money? Remember: Index funds are invisible, so when you put your money into them, yes it’s a good move for your long term financial future, but does an index fund go vroom-vroom? Does it have gull wing doors like in Back to the Future? Can you Tokyo drift an index fund?
No, you want to buy something that tells the world “I’ve arrived.” When you pull up in one of these babies, you know all the girls will look at you and think “Now THERE’s a person who’s not overcompensating for their embarrassingly small penis.”
That could be you, friend. Think about it.
Gold can be a useful investment for some. It has applications in electronics manufacturing from motherboards to iPhones. It’s also a useful store of wealth in hyper-inflationary times. We’re not going to be talking about any of that.
No, you want to buy as much gold as you can in the form of necklaces, rings, and gold dentures. Then you want to see how much of that you can fit on your body at once. Try to keep it tasteful.
Then after you’re all decked out in all the gold you can carry, go for a walk in skid row. I guarantee you, you won’t believe the attention that you’ll get! You might even end up on the evening news, you lucky duck!
Now this is more of an 80’s Wall Street thing, but hey, your subreddit’s literally called WallStreetBets! Embrace your rich, powdered heritage!
Besides, everyone knows that people always come up with the best and most brilliant ideas on cocaine. And because normal sober you is already such an investing genius, just imagine how much better of a day trader you’ll be when you’re hopped up on Bolivian marching powder! It’s a business expense, really. You can’t afford not to!
In fact, because it’s clearly a business expense, I’m pretty sure you can deduct cocaine off your taxes. Make sure you remember to keep your receipts from all your drug purchases so can send them to the IRS come tax time. I mean, that’s just good business sense.
But you know what the only thing that can possibly beat Gamestop as an investment? More Gamestop.
Think about it. You already hit the big leagues with Gamestop, so why stop there? What if you doubled, tripled, or quadrupled-down on your investment? Where would that get you?
The moon? Bah! The moon is so 2020. Besides, you’ve already made it to the moon! The moon is boring.
No, you want to keep going. Aim that rocket ship of yours past the moon. That’ll show everyone!
Wait, what’s beyond the moon again? The sun? Yeah, that sounds like a good idea. Aim that rocket ship of yours directly at the sun, and GO BABY GO! Nothing could ever go wrong with that idea!
So there you have it. Four, totally unbiased, objectively way better ideas for the Redditors to invest their money rather than boring old FIRE. Remember, retards. Fire = Bad. Cocaine + Lambos = WOOOO!
Edit: Funnily enough, after I wrote this article the people on that thread started reacting to the post’s suggestions with the following:
If i saved it all and FIRE’d then i’d be miserable cos there’d be no challenge or risk left in life
Instructions not clear, shot myself in the dick..
Me: *Strokes cat while sitting in egg-shaped chair* Good…good…
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