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They say parenting lets you relive your childhood. Great, if you had an awesome one. Not so great if you didn’t. Mine nearly made me swear off having kids forever.
It wasn’t just the yelling, the constant criticism, or the way love felt like a performance review I could never pass. It was that the one person who was supposed to love, care for, and protect me, instead kicked me when I was down.
Some people remember how they healed from sickness when they were children, nestled in their mother’s arms, their refuge from the world.
I remember, lying in bed, trying desperately to suppress my coughs to avoid getting smacked. My illness kept my mother awake and it was my fault because I defied her by not wearing a coat. That’s why I deserved to get hit. One slap for every cough.
I remember having to lie to my kindergarten teacher and pretend that my many bruises were from being hit by a bike.
I remember being sent to school with the mumps, a scarf wrapped around my neck to hide my illness. Then later shaking in fear from having to face my mom after my teacher discovered I was contagious and sent me home.
So, I grew up telling myself I’m not doing this to someone else. I’m not repeating this cycle. If I ever have kids—and that was a big IF—I sure as hell won’t do it while barely hanging on.
One of the reasons why my mother treated me this way was because we were so poor at one point, she had 5 Chinese Yuan to her name. That’s 70 cents USD—all the money she had in the world. My Dad was still in school and couldn’t work to help her out yet.
I would never become a parent unless I was financially set for life.
Luckily, I discovered the FIRE movement. And while FIRE doesn’t fix all your problems, it sure as hell, gives you time so you can fix it yourself.
Money Can’t Heal You, But It Can Make Healing Possible
I was against having kids for the longest time because I believed that I would pass down my generational trauma. No amount of spreadsheeting could change that.
Even after becoming a millionaire and retiring in my 30s, I was still very much broken on the inside.
After all, you don’t wake up financially independent and suddenly stop flinching when someone raises their voice.
You don’t stop tearing up in anger when “A Song for Mama” by Boyz II Men comes on the radio, with the lyrics:
“You were there for me to love and care for me
When skies were gray
Whenever I was down
You were always there to comfort me”
You don’t stop wondering: Where was I for the comfort? Where was I for the “love and caring?” How come I was only there for the beatings and shaming?
While I can’t promise this for everyone who suffered child abuse, what surprised me was how much parenting would heal me. Instead of passing down generational trauma, I was able to break it. Instead of flying off the handle every time the relentlessness of parenting got to me and taking it out on my kid, I was able to recover and stay sane because FIRE gave me the time to do so.
Here’s what I learned from having to parent from a place of childhood trauma while being financially independent:
Don’t relive your childhood. Rewrite it.
The other day my son bit me so hard he drew blood. This was for the crime of talking to my landlord for 15 whole minutes and ignoring him in his stroller.
If I’d done this as a child, my mother would’ve screamed at me, hit me, and then locked me in a dark room for hours as punishment.
But instead, I pulled my hand away and calmly reminded him to use his words not his teeth when he’s frustrated. There was no hitting, no screaming, no dark rooms. I know that my son will make more mistakes like this in the future, and it will take many tries and re-enforcing the rules to get his still developing little brain to understand. But I was able to rewrite this story. And many other childhood stories since.
As a result, the painful images of my childhood have now been painted over with fresh new memories.
Instead of a terrified little girl, constantly afraid of being hit by her mother, my memories are now of my son, a happy little boy, who giggles and runs to me for hugs. He isn’t afraid of making mistakes and when he’s sick, I give him hugs, kisses, and unconditional love.
Parenting isn’t about perfection; it’s about always trying to do better.
I’m not perfect. In fact, I don’t believe the perfect parent exists. We are all human, and we all make mistakes. The point of parenting isn’t to never make a mistake. It’s to own up to your mistakes and promise your kids you will do better.
I know I will get this wrong often. There will be times when I fly off the handle. There will be times when I’m so sleep deprived and delirious that I inadvertently yell at my kid at 3 AM for crying incessantly. And yes, I’ve even lost control before and smacked him on the bum for deliberately flipping over his dinner plate during a tantrum, only to feel horrible and apologize afterwards, terrified he will hate me. This doesn’t mean I’ve failed, and that he’ll resent me forever for repeating the cycle of generational trauma. It means I’m human and I’m accepting myself for the flawed parent that I am. And that I promise him I will never stop trying, never stop growing, and never stop loving him.
Be the Mother You Needed as a Child
I’ve never appreciated FIRE to the extent that I do now. Without being able to quit my stressful job, without the ability to accomplish my dream of writing, and without the time and space to finally heal from my childhood trauma, there’s no way I could’ve been a good parent.
Once I had my son, I couldn’t believe how my mother could hurt a helpless child. It was unfathomable how you could feel no guilt for breaking your child’s spirit and feel sadistic glee from watching your child humiliate themselves, just so you could feed your ego.
I know that a lot of my mother’s trauma comes from her even deeper trauma as a child. After all, she was forced to endure the Cultural Revolution in China, a famine, and political persecution that saw her family members executed by the Communists. It didn’t start with her. But it was going to end with me. Even if I don’t get it right 100% of the time, I will never stop trying.
And now, because FIRE helped me rewrite my childhood, I can finally listen to “A Song for Mama” and not breakdown in tears. Because I’m not thinking about my mom at all when it comes on. I’m thinking about me. Because now I’m that mother. I’m the one doing the loving, the caring, providing the comfort.
I’m the mother I needed as a child.
***
If you had a difficult childhood, I see you and I’m so sorry this happened to you. You are not alone.
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Thank you for sharing such a personal story. I’m lottery-lucky to have wonderful parents, and it’s easy to forget that many don’t.
Sounds like you are doing a great job as a mom! Kudos to you.
Thanks, Elise. I’m so good you have such wonderful parents!
Thank you for writing this. I always thought I wanted to have children but I also don’t want to struggle or pass on my trauma. Thank you for reminding me we can break the cycle. <3
Love every article you write, thanks a lot ❤️.
It helps me and I identify too.
Thanks, Rafa. Glad it’s helpful and sorry you had to go through a tough childhood.
Great healing piece Kristy! I’m so proud of you!
Thanks, Eileen, for always being so encouraging.
Thank you for sharing Kristy! I hope that I can have your mindset when I became a parent as I too did not have the best upbringing as a kid.
Aww, I’m sorry to hear that you had to suffer through that, Myke. It’s not easy to parent when you don’t have the best role model, but it’s not hopeless either. That’s what surprised me the most.
Very proud of you. My mother broke the cycle just like you. Your child will thank you for it.
Thanks, Vivian. Good job to your mom and I’m happy for you!
This line bought tears in my eyes “I’m the mother I needed as a child”
Very well said. I am sorry that you had a difficult childhood. I am sure you would be a great mother even if you weren’t FI. FI is just a cherry on top
Aw, thanks for the vote of confidence, Neo_sauga. When I’m in a prolonged state of sleeplessness, I often wonder if I don’t have the luxury of being able to nap and recover the next day, would I be able to stay calm when my child acts up? Maybe. But chances are higher that I would lose it way more often. I was a very different person with a lot of anger issues and resentment back when I was working and lashed out at other people all the time. I’m glad I’ve had to time to heal so my son doesn’t have to see that version of me.
🥰🥰🥰🥰 thank you for sharing your very personal story and for demonstrating how FIRE gives us the needed space to heal so we can be there for our children and ourselves. 🥰
Thanks, Robin. I’m so glad my son doesn’ t have to know the angry, resentful, stressed-out version of me from before FIRE.
That was a powerful post (and also thanks for allowing Bryce to take an hour+ off to chat with me on Friday on 2 Dads 1 Car.
Huge fans of the blog here. Look forward to connecting soon!
LOL. He had a lot of fun. Though the “let’s meet in a sketchy parking lot” kind of sounded some alarm bells. Glad you are not a crazy serial killer. See you in Vancouver!
Your mom sounds a lot like mine. And I hate that even now when I take care of her financially – which she never did for me – it’s still not enough. I’m glad you healed from your childhood trauma. I chose not to have kids, and have mostly healed in my own way too. Thanks for sharing this!
One more thing, I definitely think poverty played a role in my mother being so abusive. She was always trying to survive which put her in a constant state of stress and fight or flight. She chose to fight.
So, I definitely see FIRE being something to help prevent that.
💗💗💗
<3<3<3
Sending a big hug. Thank you for your honesty. You are a wonderful Mother.
Thanks, Theresa! I hope my son can tell me that one day.
I had a strict family and my dad bit my mom in front of me. I also got few slaps here and there from dad as well. Then they divored. good thing. As I wrote about it after, children think it is their fault that it happen (when one parent abuse other one) and this is what I felt. I felt terrible. I Never forget it and and never fogive my dad for it.
“children think it is their fault that it happen (when one parent abuse other one) and this is what I felt”
This is so sad and I’m so sorry you felt this way, Nata. Sucks that you had a terrible childhood and your dad was terrible to you and your mom. Sending you big hugs and hope that you can have time to heal your past wounds.
So grateful for your article. My FIRE has also helped me re-write the scripts I experienced as a child too. We are not perfect parents, but the cycle is definitely broken. My kids are in their teens and I share with them openly what happened to me. They understand. Hugging you from one mother to another.
Aww. Appreciate this coming from a fellow mom. Your children are lucky to have you!
the more I see the long term effects of childhood abuse and trauma, the more appreciative I am of my parents for not giving me that terrible burden. Your children should feel the same.
I’m glad you didn’t have to go through it, Zachary. Hopefully my son feels the same way you do when he’s grown up.
Family trauma and abuse is hell on earth, and affects everything in our society from crime rates to our economy.
My mother’s side of the family was filled with alcohol-fuelled abuse and lasting trauma from WWII, causing my mom to develop a bunch of psychotic and personality disorders.
My childhood was both heavenly and horrifying, but always unpredictable.
Thank you for flipping the script on its head, being a better person than your mother could be.
That is horrible and sorry that your mother’s side had to experience it. As they say “hurt people hurt people”. Sending you hugs for healing.
How’s your relationship with your mom now? Has she apologized or do you not talk to her any more? Would be interesting to read about it, even though it’s not financial advice.
We are on speaking terms but we will never be close. She’s never apologized because she doesn’t think she did anything wrong. The biggest kicker is when she constantly tries to give me bad parenting advice like “don’t pick up your kid, you’ll spoil them” when my son hurt himself and was crying. She loves seeing her grandson but I have to set very strict boundaries to protect myself and him so I limit the duration of her visits.
Thank you for this powerful article. One thing I so appreciate are some brave souls in my life who have normalized therapy.Realizing that we can heal from childhood trauma is a gift – it’s hard work but productive pain. You might want to check out Positive Discipline too. It’s a different way to view behavior and gives guidance for how to respond to it in a healthy way. While the word ‘discipline’ is in the title, it’s really anti-punishment and pro understanding and teaches parents to approach their children’s behavior from a place of empathy. I really enjoyed your article and the work you’re doing and for being brave to share it too.
Thanks for the tips, Lacie. Agree that therapy needs to be normalized. I will add Positive Discipline to my list of parenting methods to research. I’ve read “the Whole Brain Child” and “No Drama Discipline” and have enjoyed both books. I think it’s in the same vein. Another benefit of FIRE is that I have lots of time to read parenting books. Our kids are not robots, so they don’t always work in every situation, but just being aware and having strategies as tools in our parenting toolbox is helpful.
While I agree with everything you wrote, you became who you are now (stronger emotionally and very mature) despite your mom disciplining you the way she did and the childhood trauma you had to endure. I am not in anyway suggesting that she did the right thing.
That’s the key word “despite”. It’s not because of her, it’s despite her. Though, I don’t think I needed any of that to become who I am now. My husband didn’t have any of the trauma and he’s already strong emotionally and emotionally mature. I was very emotional immature (actually, I still am in many ways) and have to work very hard to fix it.
I think you risk overcompensating, and growing a dictator from day one.
Just a thought of course, from many thousand miles away.
Handing the trauma down was the opposite risk, but you are handling it super competently with the self-given advice to rewrite your childhood.
Your child should not exert absolute power over you. He has rights, and should be aware of those. His rights have limits, and he should be aware of those limits as well.
Giving rules, of course, is the specific role of a parent.
Asking questions (and working on possible answers together) is also an approach that I would suggest.
“Why did you bit me?” “Was it really necessary?” “Could you have used words instead?”
Never underestimate the power of a good question 🙂
I do agree that questions are helpful when the child is in a logical state of mind to process the question and not a meltdown state of mind. In meltdown state, we need to calm them down first because the amygdala has taken over. It’s like trying to answer trigonometry questions when you’re on a rollercoaster. Get off the rollercoaster first 😛
Thanks for your 2 cents.
That’s a great point, and I agree with you. Of course you can do both at the same time (it happened to me at least): hold your child, AND ask him what’s wrong.
In time, thanks in part to your help (and dad’s, since dad’s arms are as important as mom’s in this), he will learn to verbalize his emotions, which is a great skill to have at all ages.
This made me cry, Firecracker. I’m so happy for you.
Great work, Kristy, on being a great mother and writing about it here! Despite…
No amount of love will ever spoil a child, love given at the right time in the right dosage. No amount of punishment can ever bring a positive change in a child; punishment can change the child, but for the worse.
A child makes a mistake; it doesn’t mean the parents have to ignore it. Teach the child how not to make the same and similar mistakes again, but teach with love.
I know of a spiritual leader with over 1000+ educated doctors, engineers, lawyers, CPAs who became disciples when they were 21+ years old. His “formula? Unconditional love.
You make a compelling point that is transferable to other aspects of life, not just parenthood. Money can enable a person to do a lot of things, and it can also remove certain pressures. I can recall simply having to weigh the cost of a computer for grad school (a First World problem, for sure) against how much was in my piggy bank at the time. A fat piggy bank, coupled with an adequate income not tied to what hours I could eke out at a job, would have translated to, as we used to say in my US Army days, “No problem, G.I.!”
Dan V
Taipei, Taiwan
I’ve been reading your stuff for years, and love how you are also willing to share how this journey develops as you navigate through being a parent. Thank you for this and I’ve so much faith in you being an amazing mother and Bryce an amazing father.
Thank you for this. Beautiful post!
I’m definitely being the dad I never had and it feels great! My trauma has stopped at me but the odd time shit rises to the surface and I have the strength and wisdom to apologize for my shortcomings and that’s all you can do sometimes.
I can not imagine how difficult it was just to write the words in this post – to admit the trauma and to some degree relive it. I think many of us try to reconcile and think “it wasn’t that bad”. I think unapologetically owning how you were treated – has helped many of us do the same. Thank you for sharing!
Thanks Kristy for sharing such private story, the fact that you are able to write about and reframed it for your kids is courageous. I do have mix feelings at times about my upbringing however through forgiveness I had discovered new and sweet childhood memories. As you. I wanted to shift the meaning of love and protection to my now 3 adult kids. Did my best to “end the cycle with me”
I am glad you were able to learn from your parents’ mistakes and do things better in terms of raising children. From my observation, most parents don’t really put much thought into how to raise their children properly.
I love the bravery of this post Kristy! It’s healing to think about the connection between FI and supportive parenting. I also had a very traumatic childhood. I experienced physical and sexual abuse, not by my parents, but by others when I returned home, I was punished for being in the “wrong place at the wrong time.” so it was a double whammy. My parents also held our financial problems over my head, making me think it was my fault that they didn’t have enough to support me and my sister. As we can see once we reach FI we have worked very hard to put our own oxygen mask on first I don’t have kids yet but I’m thinking about it even though I’m older and your post really inspired me thank you.
Thank you for sharing. I feel you. I have a similar situation. of late, My mom was sick & so had to leave my kid overseasto take care of her. She has not changed a bit. I am tired of it all to deal with her negativity also missing time with my kid. Can’t wait to go back to my son.
Time is so precious to build true connections with our kids. What a moving post. Another author I would recommend is Dr. Shefali all her books are wonderful.
I appreciate you taking the time to explain this.
Well said.