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- My Apartment Gave Me Something That Money Can’t Buy - August 4, 2026
When people hear I grew up poor in rural China, they usually imagine everything I lacked. The tiny shack shared by three generations. The lack of safe, drinkable water. The constant worry about money.
Those things were real. But there was something I had growing up that has become surprisingly difficult to find in modern life.
A village.
When my mom injured her back so badly she could barely walk, a neighbor carried her to the doctor on her back. When she was unexpectedly called into work, she simply dropped me off at a neighbor’s house. They fed me dinner, and I played with our neighbor’s kid until she came home.
I was an only child, but I was rarely lonely. There were always neighborhood “siblings” to play with. We had very little money, but my parents were never raising me alone.
As I grew older, I assumed that kind of community belonged to another place and another time. I never expected to experience it again. Especially not as a parent in Canada.
Rent or Buy?
Before discovering FIRE, I was desperate to buy a house. After being poor for so many years, I was convinced that a house was the key to a safe and secure future.
In Toronto, it often felt like there were only two kinds of people: homeowners, and people desperately trying to become homeowners. The goal was never to become a happy renter. The goal was to stop being one.
But as luck would have it, the Toronto housing market was so bad, I got fed up and decided owning wasn’t for me.
A whole decade went by. Then another. Then we had a kid. And still the urge to buy a home didn’t return.
Instead, we rented an apartment in Vancouver. On paper, this looked like a compromise. It’s small, with no private backyard, and shared common areas.
People who didn’t know our FIRE story or net worth assumed we were renting because we couldn’t afford a house. I was happy to indulge this belief so we could develop camaraderie by commiserating over the crazy expensive real estate prices.
But in reality, we didn’t find our village despite renting. We found it because we rented.
Here’s how it all started.
One sunny afternoon, my son wandered into our building’s common courtyard.
A few children were already playing there, so he ran over to join them. Since they were kind enough to share their toys with him, I grabbed his plasma car from our balcony and brought it to the courtyard so everyone could take turns riding it. The kids had a blast. Wanderer came outside carrying a bottle of wine and wine glasses. The parents started chatting while the children played.
None of this was planned. No schedule co-ordination was required. It just happened.
Over the following months, this continued daily. Those casual encounters turned into friendships. Children started knocking on each other’s doors. We swapped birthday invites. Lent each other household items. When someone couldn’t find a babysitter, we stepped in. One child wandered into another family’s apartment and was fed without anyone thinking twice.
It felt strangely familiar.
One evening Wanderer looked out our window and said, “The kids are outside.” Our son grabbed his shoes before we even finished dinner. He wasn’t asking for a playdate and didn’t need me to arrange anything. He simply put on his shoes and ran outside because his friends were already there.
I found my village again.
Community isn’t built by intention alone
For years, I assumed community came from finding the right people. Now I think it comes from finding the right environment.
What matters is whether your surroundings make it easy to bump into the same people over and over again. Strangers then become acquaintances, acquaintances become friends, and those friends become the people you call when your babysitter cancels unexpectedly.
Friendship rarely begins with deep conversations. They’re built through hundreds of tiny interactions that feel too insignificant to matter until one day they do.
This is not to say that renting automatically creates community or that ownership destroys it. You can still feel isolated in a rented house, and you can also build lifelong friendships in your condo.
My point is that what’s important is to choose a place designed with shared spaces to make frequent interactions easier. Then community develops organically. And by being strategic about the type of place you rent (ie, we only rent purpose-built apartments instead of condos or houses), you can build a stable, happy, family life without owning a home. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
When Money Replaces Neighbors
Something curious has happened over the past few decades.
We’ve become incredibly good at solving problems with money that previous generations solved with neighbors.
Need childcare? Hire someone.
Need help with dinner? Uber EATS.
Need a drill? Buy your own.
These conveniences are wonderful. I use many of them myself. But they also remove countless opportunities to depend on other people.
Don’t get me wrong, I would never trade the financial security we have now for my childhood. But there was one unexpected advantage to having less. People needed each other. And needing each other created trust. Today, we don’t need our neighbors in the same way.
I wonder if that’s why they’re harder to get to know.
Third spaces create villages
Urban planners have a name for places like our courtyard.
Third spaces.
They’re the places that aren’t home and aren’t work. Places like a courtyard, a neighborhood playground, a library, a community centre, or a common room in an apartment building.
They’re the places where people repeatedly cross paths without having to schedule a coffee three weeks in advance.
One thing Vancouver does remarkably well is build these kinds of spaces. Part of the reason is by design, like Vancouver’s Community Amenity Contributions (CAC) program, which requires developers to fund public amenities like courtyards and parks in exchange for permission to build beyond existing zoning limits.
These spaces aren’t just amenities. They’re infrastructure for relationships.
Acquaintances become friends because they keep seeing each other. Scheduling stops being an obstacle because meetups happen organically, as the environment repeatedly puts the same people together.
Finding the village again
Society tells parents to spend months comparing mortgages, school rankings, and floor plans.
We spend far less time asking:
Will this neighborhood help us raise a child?
Choosing where to raise your child matters more than choosing how big your home is. Parenting is easier when you live somewhere that makes help and friendship more likely to grow. Not because everyone is exceptionally kind, but because the design of the place makes kindness easier.
I used to think wealth meant having enough money that I would never have to depend on anyone else. Now I think one of the greatest forms of wealth is having people you’re happy to depend on and who are happy to depend on you.
Growing up, we didn’t have much money. But we had a village. Today, we have far more money than my parents ever did. Yet the greatest gift I can give my son isn’t a bigger home.
It’s a village.
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Love this–it’s also a big reason why we’ve stayed in our (large) one-bedroom apartment in Queens, NYC, for 18 years with two children (age 11 and 13 now). We don’t rent, we own, but it’s very low overhead. There’s a huge shared garden courtyard in the building that helped save all of us families during the pandemic. Even without the courtyard, it’s a wonderful community. Kids’ best friends upstairs, always available for a spontaneous sleepover. Dinners shared together on the fly. Lots of last-minute babysitting in the past! Kids still run around and play manhunt outside. Definitely an irreplaceable village.
Love this! Glad you found your village!
I agree that the physical environment shapes the use of it, its also the communities from areas other than North America. We live in Ecuador and though our Spanish is broken our neighbors have welcomed us warmly. We know their names and see them everyday. I get greeted as a vecino or neighbor despite obviously being a gringo. We live down a street full of houses but most houses have three generations living in them. It is just a warmer culture.
Agree! I also found that Ecuadorians are very warm and welcoming to families.
Thank you for the article.If you have family with children yes it will work. If you are just couple or dating….. not so sure.
We are family without children and live in apartments as well. Mostly hi and bye,only one neighbour we really talk to and help each other,unfortunately. Via children it is easier to make relationships as you all have something in common.
Also, people in your building mostly Chinese or it is multicultural environment?
Asking because I lived in Vancouver and there are many Chinese people live there and their community is stronger.
Multicultural. We are the only ones who are Chinese.
Utterly outstanding post.
Thanks Sue!
Amen and well said. I grew up in rural Newfoundland. Most people had little money but we knew everyone and, most importantly, they knew us. Kids roamed the landscape, neighbors helped out. Community matters more than anything.
Wonderful! Loved the people in the Atlantic provinces. We visited a few years back and everyone is so kind and patient.
“One evening Wanderer looked out our window and said, “The kids are outside.” Our son grabbed his shoes before we even finished dinner. He wasn’t asking for a playdate and didn’t need me to arrange anything. He simply put on his shoes and ran outside because his friends were already there.
I found my village again.”
————————————-
I kinda teared up at this. That is beautiful, and it may help ward off depression and anxiety for the kids later in life too. FYI I’ve learned a lot about the importance of third places from Not Just Bikes and Strongtowns; I can highly recommend those resources!
Very cool resources! Thanks for sharing them!
Great article, but I think you’re conflating architectural design with housing tenure.
The community experience you are describing—kids running outside, parents sharing a glass of wine in a courtyard, casual drop-ins—has almost nothing to do with whether you sign a lease or pay a mortgage. It has everything to do with density, urban planning, and shared spaces.
Here are a few places where the logic breaks down, and why buying a home in the right neighborhood actually builds this “village” much better:
You credit renting for finding your village (“We found it because we rented”), but every feature you praise—the courtyard, the shared spaces, the spontaneous encounters—is a result of physical design. A condo, co-op, or townhouse complex has the exact same layout. The physical environment creates the interactions, not the legal structure of your living situation.
The biggest flaw in relying on a rental complex for a “village” is stability. Renters move—a lot. Landlords raise rents, sell units, or change lease terms. You might love your current set of neighbors, but in a rental-heavy building, that roster changes every 12 to 24 months. When you buy in a family-friendly neighborhood or condo complex, your neighbors stick around. Your kids don’t just get playmates for a summer; they get lifelong friends they actually grow up with.
You mention Vancouver’s CAC program and urban planning creating these spaces. Those amenities, parks, and infrastructure are overwhelmingly funded by property developers, taxpayers, and property owners. The “village” infrastructure exists because people buy homes and pay local property taxes to support it.
When people buy homes, they have skin in the game—both financially and socially. Homeowners build long-term neighborhood watches, organize annual block parties, push for safer crosswalks, and build community gardens because they plan to be there for decades. You get all the spontaneous courtyard chats, but with actual control over your environment and long-term security.
It’s great that you’ve found a wonderful rhythm in your building, but the magic isn’t in the rental agreement. The magic is in density and design—and homeownership actually gives that “village” the long-term stability it needs to last.
You seem to have a severe fear of renting. Try it sometime. It’s not so bad 😉
What FTForever says makes perfect sense. Try reading it again without rushing to condemn home ownership.
Try following your own advice and reading my post again, which doesn’t condemn either side.
Also if saying “try renting sometime” is condemning homeownership, wow. Wow. That’s like saying someone has a dog, and you say “cats are great too. Try owning one sometime” and you’re like “why do you hate dogs!” lol. A simple “not for me” would’ve been fine.
“Wow wow wow!” Too much wine tonight? You’re not following.
I didn’t say you condemned home ownership, but you’re being insulting and patronizing to the original poster. I’ve rented and owned. Maybe FT has too. Maybe they’re renting now. It doesn’t matter; they weren’t condemning renting (as you implied). Their argument was that the issue isn’t renting vs owning, it’s the design of where you live.
If I own a nice apartment in a nice community and rent it to you, by your logic you’d say “this place is great because I rent it, NOT because of walkability, layout, a courtyard, etc.”
Excellent analysis and insights. Thx for sharing
Thanks Doe!
Lots of things cause people to move, not just whether you’re renting. We’ve lived in the same rental for 10+ years but lots of the kids friends have moved over that time. For example, one is in the process because there just wasn’t work for him here.
Schools, community spaces, amateur sports, etc. These are all things that can help you build your village. Renting vs owning doesn’t change that.
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Thanks so much for sharing what I have also found to be true! By moving from NJ to Bend, OR in 2019, I INSTANTLY found community. Because everything is so easy to get to, and everyone you meet shares a common love of the outdoors (and beer), it’s almost impossible not to make friends. I also bought what I lovingly call a “family compound” last year (three separate living spaces on one property – which I can only afford because I rent out most of it – no home bonership here) and have convinced my parents and sister to join me – for the win!
Amazing! Thanks so wonderful to know switching places can make such a big difference and that Bend is so friendly! Our friends Scott and Taylor from the FIRE movie (Playing with FIRE) moved their family there and seem to love it! Glad you are enjoying having a village there.
I’m literally watching their dog right now, hahaha They’re the best! (Talk about the perfect example of Bend community and proximity, LOL)
lol. Tell Scott & Taylor I said “hi”! 🙂
I. LOVE. THIS!!
Thank you! 🙂
I found the “third space” interesting because I remember it from Starbucks ads: A third space between home and work.
How ’bout them apples?
Dan V
Taipei, Taiwan
Hi Dan, how’s Taiwan treating’ ya?
All’s great here! World Gym just opened a new location about 150 meters from my apartment building, so I’m there for the weight machines every other day. I’ve just started a phased retirement under the Retire Late doctrine, getting rid of 1-2 university classes per semester and switching over to online instead. Headed to Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam, soon for three weeks of intensive language training and fun with my Vietnamese grad students in the south! That opens up options in case US Ambassador Arnold Schwarzenegger comes knocking on my door yelling, “HEAD FOR THE CHOPPER!” I’ll have another great Asian country to go to, assuming the chopper has enough fuel! 🙂
I grew up out in the country with no kids my age anywhere near. I really feel like I missed out on the experience of a neighborhood like my husband had in the suburbs. This makes your experience resonate with me. You are socializing your kids in a very important way. They are being exposed to new cultures and perspectives as part of their development as well. All very important, in my opinion, for a more peaceful, worldly and accepting future generation. Loved the post!
Aww thanks Sunny! Well said 🙂 And your name matches your positive vibe!
Great piece! Now if there’s a school that’s walking distance, your kid is basically living out my childhood dream of the show called “Arthur”. Have you seen it? He lives in a small town. The community is made of schools, ice cream parlour, park, library, theater are all walking distance. He bikes to all his friends’ houses and he spends his summer at his grandparents farm. What a life. 🙂
Funny you should mention that because his school IS actually within walking distance 🙂 Vancouver is great in that way.
It really is amazing how a simple living space can provide such a deep sense of peace that you just can’t put a price on. Finding that perfect balance of comfort and community makes any place feel like a true sanctuary. For anyone looking to dive deeper into local housing numbers, checking out Greenville home values offers some really great insights. At the end of the day, the true worth of a home is always going to be found in the memories you make there.
100% !!!
I consider myself to be a renter on steroids (I’m renting a room in a house, even though I could buy a house, cash, if I wanted to, which I really don’t want to).
I do know that if I bought this hypothetical house, my sense of community and human interaction would take a major hit as a result.
Yup, sharing spaces gets a bad rep but it’s actually very helpful for meeting people. We met way more people when sharing a place during our first year of travel than subsequent years when we got only private entire suites.
Hello! We found this in our condo building and nearby courtyards in downtown t.o. It gets harder as kids get older, MB does hockey and swim which takes time and distance away from the closer easier community. MB is almost 10 and five feet tall 😅 Blessings to your family ❤️❤️❤️
Wow MB is growing up! Aww. Amazing.
Interesting that it gets harder when they get older because half of the kids my son plays with are 10 years old.
It is still nice when it works, skateboard park at Christie Pitts for the win ❤️
Absolutely makes sense. I’ve read something of the ilk that because people helping other people makes them feel good, that giving people opportunities to help you is a kind of charity. Very Buddhist type thinking.
I was also impressed in DaNang during Tet with the families hanging around on their outside steps and sharing in karaoke, etc with neighbours. Also kids running around the playground after dark is normal. It felt like some distant memory from my childhood. Travel is very often like time travel for me, which is one of the attractions.
Yup, I also saw a lot of my childhood when travelling. Especially in Chiang Mai & Vietnam.
I’m wondering if you didn’t have your som if any of this village would have materialized for you.
I don’t know if what you write about would have occurred without him.
When it was just the two of you, you met people along your travels but there’s no mention of them anymore. I understand that things change and so do people so maybe those people didn’t keep in touch or circumstances changed that removed what you may have in common with them.
Would be interesting if you would write about that.
Being nomadic myself, I find too many of those relationships aren’t deep as we’re all transient going from place to place and sometimes meeting back up on rare occasions.
Geo arbitrage may be good for finances but I don’t think it’s so good for building deeper and more meaningful relationships.
Would be good to get your take on it.
I think it’s not just my kid (though having an extroverted kid definitely helps expand your social circle). It’s also how we’ve changed as we age too. Being more focused on relationships, rather than novelty anf achievement.
There are two people in the building , who are part of the village, who don’t have kids but they have dogs so the kids love playing with the dogs and that’s a way of expanding your social circle too.
In terms of being nomadic, there are ways to grow a community as well, but you have to stay in one place for months at a time rather than weeks and return to the same places. It also helps to travel with other nomads (and in the case of families, with other world schooling families). Moving around often does make it harder, but not impossible. Before we had a kid, we had a travelling community of other fire people that we met at fire retreats. The group just tended to change, rather than be the same village.
Delighted you found your village.
As a child I lived in a rented apartment where the backyard faces a oval field. People played ball. Kids played around and in the field. This was my best time in all of my childhood. I felt free and safe.
In the summer evenings people sat on their front porch played a guitar and sang songs. I loved it…though I was in bed listening to them with my window open.
Some people build community with pot luck suppers. Others have their own special interest groups. Modern consumer societies do not feel like villages unfortunately.
Ela
This post is so timely for me, we just moved to Spain, and in three month I already know some of my neighboor by name, also found a wonderful entrepeneour community, it is so true the Village is needed now more than ever, my mother language is Spanish so that helps, but also help to be open to connect, me and hubby are also retired and financially free but doe snot mean I do not need my village. thansk for sharing.
Always a blessing that a child grows up woth friends to play with nextdoors, whether in aprtmemt or in houses.
The bit about proximity buying back your time is the whole argument, honestly. We ran the same math and the commute savings alone covered the rent gap. Slightly related to the side-income thread in the comments: I’ve been freelancing on short-form content and tools like ImagesArt cut the production time enough that it’s actually worth doing after the kids are down. Rent as a lifestyle purchase, not a failure — agreed.
That courtyard was a lifesaver during COVID—my kids still race each other there. Thanks for reminding us why community beats a fancy view. palbreeding
The point about shared spaces creating stronger communities really stood out to me. It’s interesting how something as simple as a courtyard can make spontaneous conversations and friendships much more likely. I like the idea of having more casual spaces, both offline and online, where people can simply relax and connect, which is also what drew me to Casual Parlor.
The idea that a shared courtyard can turn ordinary encounters into real friendships stood out to me, especially the example of children simply running outside because their friends were already there. It’s a good reminder that community can grow from everyday spaces and repeated interactions rather than expensive amenities. That same theme of value beyond money makes colleen hoover worth an interesting topic to explore from a different perspective.
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I think this is a great article because so many people feel pressured to buy real estate and that, if they don’t own a home, they are denying their kids something. Your article helps dispel that myth and shows parents that kids can be just as happy in an apartment and common spaces. This is particularly an issue in Australia which is where I currently live and where real estate is taking a hit this year but there is still a real estate frenzy attitude and people take on massive leverage to buy homes as a point of pride and with supreme confidence that it is the best investment possible.