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Now that Little Matchstick is more than a year old, other parents and our family members have started asking, “are you putting him in daycare?”
When it comes to raising kids, everyone and their distant influencer cousin has an opinion. They range from “daycare will turn your kid into a resilient genius” to “you’re leaving your precious baby in a shark tank”.
Of course, most parents don’t even have a choice. If both parents need to work, your kids have to go to daycare. The decision of “to daycare or not to daycare” is a privilege, and we’re grateful to have the choice.
Despite many family members waxing poetic about the benefits of daycare, I’m still not convinced. Maybe it’s because my Dad left me with an abusive daycare teacher, who terrified me so much I started shaking and crying as soon as I saw her (according to him). He continued sending me there because he thought this would build resilience. Since this happened before the age of 5, I don’t remember it and have no idea whether it scarred me for life or made me stronger.
So, not being able to rely on my experience, I had to rely on research. Interestingly, while researching the benefits of daycare, I discovered the opposite is true. Specifically for kids under the age of 3.
Articles like this one from Psychology Today and Medium, show that daycare, although great for female empowerment, isn’t so great for children’s wellbeing.
Basically, the takeaway is that children under 3 aren’t developed enough to engage in parallel play with other kids, and as a result can’t benefit from the social interaction yet. They tend to play alongside other children with one-to-one adult support. At this stage, what’s most important is forming a secure attachment with one or two stable, consistent adults. Since daycare can’t provide this optimal one-to-one ratio and instead have many children in a large room with different caregivers, this causes stress to the child, resulting in aggressive behaviour later.
This Canadian study found that extensive hours in daycare increases rates of aggression, anxiety, and hyperactivity 3 times as much in kids who attended daycare compared to their siblings who didn’t. Another Study found higher levels of cortisol in daycare children than those who stayed home. The longer the hours, the worse the outcome. Those who attended more frequently but had shorter days fared better (eg 5 half days of daycare is better than 3 full days). Also, the lower the child-to-caregiver ratio, the better. The faster and more often the children could get back to their parents to “recharge”, the better.
The point of these articles isn’t to politicize daycare or to make parents feel bad about putting their kids there (especially since many have no choice), but to call into question the age-old belief that “daycare is good for skills development and socialization”.
Plus, there are caveats. If the stay-at-home parent is stressed out, or the home environment is broken, then daycare would be better, even with a higher child to caregiver ratio. If you have caregiver grandparents that rely on screen time or believe in outdated child safety standards, daycare might be better.
That said, I won’t take this scientific research as gospel, because just like breastfeeding, only following what’s best for your child while ignoring your own wellbeing isn’t the answer. Happy parents beget happy children. There needs to be a balance because your mental wellbeing affects them.
So, I decided to make a Pros/Cons list:
Pros
- The biggest pro I’ve heard is that daycare socializes you kid and teaches them valuable skills like sharing and speech development, etc. But this is based on anecdotal evidence and feelings from other parents, not science.
- In Canada there are subsidized daycare spots for $10/day, and if you put yourself on a gazillion waiting lists, you might get a chance in 2-3 years. This would make it a no-brainer financially because even the tax-free Canada Child Benefit could cover it, so it’s like getting free daycare (assuming your income after retirement is low enough that you’re not getting the CCB clawed back)
- Putting LMS in daycare would do wonders for my relationship. While Wanderer and I work great as a team, after too many sleep-deprived nights, yelling matches ensue. Getting 7-8 hours of my day back would help us focus on our relationship and concentrate more on passion projects (like this blog!). Right now, we’re making it work by taking turns watching him every other day, while the other person writes, but getting a full day back to do whatever we want would be heavenly.
- I used to be able to hike Macchu Picchu for 4 hours at high attitudes with thin air. Now I can’t even push my son’s stroller to the grocery store on perfectly flat ground without being winded. The only thing getting worked out these days is my jaw when I pound back copious amounts of junk food after his bedtime as a reward. Full time daycare would give me time to work out.
Cons
- Studies have shown that full time daycare can negatively impact kids under the age of 3.
- Taking up a subsidized spot from another child. I feel guilty about this, since other parents need these spots way more than I do. I could put him in one without the subsidies and just pay more. Financially it makes no sense unless the income from my passion projects covers it, in which case, I’m paying to work more.
- Travel. This is a very “us” consideration and probably won’t apply to other parents. If he’s in full time daycare, we won’t be allowed to take him out for months at a time, so we’ll only be able to travel for a few weeks a year. That’s not going to scratch our itchy feet (ok that sounds gross when I type it out).
- One of the biggest complains from other parents with kids in daycare is getting sick ALL THE TIME! Daycare is one giant petri dish so our son will likely bring home all sorts of diseases. No thanks.
- I speak to LMS in Mandarin 90% of the time and, as a result, most of his first words are in Mandarin. That’s how he currently prefers to communicate. I know that will change later on, but I want him to get as much exposure as possible and being at daycare for most of the day wouldn’t give him that.
As an experiment, I recently tried a flexible daycare, putting LMS in for a few days over a month. He didn’t exact “thrive” in that environment like other people said their kids did, but he didn’t suffer either. This is because LMS has an easygoing personality, doesn’t cry for long, and can nap anywhere. The teacher said he did great, napped with minimal fussing, and got along with the other kids.
However, he still burst into tears when I came to pick him up at the end of the day and ran toward me so fast, he nearly knocked over another kid. When I picked him up, he clung to me and gave me the biggest kiss. So, it did seem like there was some separation anxiety. But he was also happy to see his teachers the following week and didn’t cry when I left, so maybe it’s also just a phase of adjustment? Keep in mind, this daycare had stellar reviews, was recommended by many parents, has a good an adult to child ratio for toddlers so I’m not worried about their quality of care.
Sadly, this flexible, part time daycare has shutdown recently since it couldn’t sustain itself financially, so our only option now is full time daycare. In fact, due to the government subsidies, pretty much all daycares that used to have part time options have now gone full time. If you know of any part time daycares in Toronto or Vancouver, let me know in the comments below.
For now, we’re debating between using family and part time babysitters to give us a break occasionally or putting LMS into full time daycare.
What do you think? Should we put LMS into full time daycare?
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This seems like the very definition of a “You need to do what works best for you in your specific circumstances and screw everyone else’s option” situation. Which may involve some trial and error.
Definitely do what works for you. I enjoyed being with babies, children, kids, especially one on one, for one day a week as a relative. I also enjoy teenagers and young adults. I basically follow the kids lead on what they wanted to do and listen to what they are interested in. When they were really young and couldn’t talk yet, we talked in both sign language and verbal language. We also had kids live with us when their parents couldn’t take care of them. I have found that kids tend to grow up and do well when they know that their parents love them and do their best, no matter the parenting style. Of course some kids are risk takers and that’s pretty scary, but you have to try to steer them into socially acceptable risks, like rock climbing. A lot of kids in my family are very high energy and that needs to be directed into socially acceptable paths, like sports. However there are some who are super-introverted, want to know how things work, and focused on the mechanical. So you need to provide them with access to supplies to build and things to take apart or they’ll take apart stuff you really don’t want them to take apart. (Drive up and down the street on garbage day and you can find plenty for them. People throw away a lot of things that can be fixed or isn’t even broken.)
I just had a thought. Do you have friends with kids around the same age as Peanut who share your parenting style? If you do, perhaps you can work together?
“I just had a thought. Do you have friends with kids around the same age as Peanut who share your parenting style? If you do, perhaps you can work together?”
This is actually a very good point. We do have FIRE friends with kids in the similar age range. Will definitely see if we can work out nanny sharing, or take turns watching each other’s kids.
Well said. Yeah, it’s definitely going to involve trail and error. Why can’t parenting just have a straight forward manual? Sigh.
Agree a gazillion percent!
The goal of financial freedom for me is to be with my kids and enjoy them while they’re little. I used my parents as babysitters while I worked, and I would make any sacrifice I could to avoid daycare. Why pay strangers to raise your children when you can do it yourself?
Also- read the book “hold on to your kids” by Gabor mate. You might reconsider school too 👌
Thanks for the book rec. I will add it to my TBR list.
This sounds like your parents providing childcare, not doing it yourself.
You’re right. For the days I needed them watched, it was my parents.
I still prefer having family watch my kids- so on those days I guess it was my parents raising them, not some random daycare stranger 🙂
As the saying goes, “the days are long, but the years are short” my kids are 21 and 17. I remember those very long exhausting days. I wish I could have spent more time with my kids and had them in daycare less. Since neither one of you have the financial constraint of needing to work, it sounds like you have worked out an excellent equitable system that gives you both the ability to pursue your passions while also spending quality time with LMS. Your relationship is very important also, when our kids were young we developed good friendships with parent’s of kids the same age and frequently traded date nights and even overnights. This was a twofer – gave us time to spend together in a very economical way and also helped social development for our kids and we knew the people who we were leaving them with very well on a personal level.
“when our kids were young we developed good friendships with parent’s of kids the same age and frequently traded date nights and even overnights.”
I love this idea. Will look into it. We’ll have to find other FIRE families or entrepreneurs who can match their schedule during regular work hours.
In your situation, I would aim for private, on-demand daycare. Like this, you use it when you need, it allows you lengthy vacations, and you don’t feel cheap to take the spot of another kid. The child reacting with crying and running to you is normal the first few times. And I think it’s good that he learns to be away of the parents sometimes. It will bring trust that you always come back
yeah, I do think the on-demand flexibility of family and babysitters is better suited to our flexible lifestyle. Was just wondering if LMS was missing anything by not attending daycare. So far, his skills and socialization hasn’t been a problem.
Set up a schedule and alternate with your hubby. My husband works full time, so I leveraged my Mom, my mother-in-law, my sister, sister-in law to make time for part-time self-employed work. Now that my son is in school, I have time for projects, hobbies and self-care.
As a side note, I notice I was more effective when I had a 50/50 work-life balance. Half a day of work and the rest of the day doing whatever. The less time you spend working, the more efficient you will be with the hours you have.
I agree that work-life balance is very important. Probably the reason why so many people want to continue remote work even after the pandemic.
Yes
OK 🙂
As with most of parenting I think you need to soul search and do what you think is best for your family as an entire unit. We have a couple kids who we love dearly. Lets be honest though, parenting little ones is also exhausting and demands a fair helping of patience.
My partner works full time and I work part time (as a slow shift to “coast fire” living). Despite me being home a couple days per week our kids go full time to daycare. Our younger one seems to love going and is upset if they have to stay home when big brother goes. If he could pick our older one would stay home much more often despite being seemingly successful with friendships and loving his caregivers. What we recognize is that there is a TON to do around the house, personal growth goals, professional goals, and other things that are on hold 99.9% of the time that the kids are at home. The daycare decision allows us to give our full attention and effort to parenting when we’re all together. Your mileage varies and I think the most important thing is to do what you think is best knowing your own strengths as a couple and also judging on how LMS responds.
Of note, you might pay for full time care and just pay for it while you’re travelling. They’re usually happy to cash the cheque for an unused spot.
“TON to do around the house, personal growth goals, professional goals, and other things that are on hold 99.9% of the time that the kids are at home.”
This is true. Although, even when we put him in flexible daycare, he would just come home and mess everything up that we clean up anyways 😀 On the plus side we had more energy to clean up after a whole day of adult time, so there’s that.
To address some of the cons (this from a parent who sent a kid to full-time daycare starting at age 5 months, who seems to have turned out quite well):
– “Studies have shown that full time daycare can negatively impact kids”: There is good daycare and bad daycare, and the difference is massive. More expensive is not always better. A small class size and lots of personal attention from warm caregivers is more important than early calculus prep. Here in the US we have the concept of home daycares where an adult takes in 3-5 kids, and the quality varies hugely but if you can find a good one it can work out amazingly well. The studies may not have had criteria for good vs. bad daycare, or may have had deeply flawed criteria.
– “Taking up a subsidized spot from another child”: You live in a democratic society which has made the collective decision, including your vote among your fellow Canadians, to define criteria for receiving subsidies that cause your family to be qualified. You have spent decades paying substantial taxes into this system, and you are now entitled to receive subsidies as part of the way that system is set up. I see absolutely zero cause for discomfort here.
– “Daycare is one giant petri dish”: Yes, it is, but these days our kid hardly ever gets sick. He got exposed to every germ out there when he was little, so now he has the immune system of a pack horse.
Our experience with daycare was that when we kept close tabs on the quality of the program, and changed programs when circumstances called for it, our son benefited from developing social skills early in life. And we were far better parents after having had the chance to shower, brush teeth, read a book, work a part time job, etc. without which we would have been stressed and cranky, not ideal caregivers.
Thanks for all the details and well thought out comment!
“the quality varies hugely but if you can find a good one it can work out amazingly”
This is true. It’s overwhelming the amount of research and trial and error required so I mostly just go by word-of-mouth.
We live in the UK and our daughter started to go to nursery at 10 months of age. Here, the child to carer ratio at that age is 3:1, which is really good. She has a very sociable personality and, while it took her a couple of weeks to adjust, she really enjoys nursery. The reason she ultimately goes to nursery full time is the fact that we need to work. But in terms of the benefits, it’s not just the socialisation aspect that we find important (she is 2 now and calls one of the other kids her best friend, which is adorable). It’s also the fact that she is exposed to such creative, amazing activities every day. They take trips to a local park, they do messy crafts that we would never do at home, etc. Being at nursery is definitely accompanied by relentless colds and bugs, which I would say for us is the only negative aspect of it. From a personal perspective, I love being a parent, but I also enjoy doing other adult things that reduce my stress levels (e.g. working out). And given that we do not have family nearby, nursery gives us time for us to do some of those things. Ultimately I think it’s down to figuring out what works best for your family.
child to carer ratio at that age is 3:1–> that is very good!
Thanks for your 2 cents on your family’s experience with daycare. Sounds like it was a win for you guys!
I would do what is best for yourselves and your careers. I had my kids in daycare for a little while, then my wife decided to quit her career early for health reasons. There are really good daycares out there and our experience was positive. Also, our kids benefitted from the extra time with Mom when she quit. It is also a family stress reliever when one parent can stay home with the kids. The other downside of daycare is that it is an unavoidable germ factory, and I was frequently sick during the few years my kids were in. On the upside, it has built up my personal resiliency and I have rarely been sick in the 20 years since!
“On the upside, it has built up my personal resiliency and I have rarely been sick in the 20 years since!”
Wow, you are like Wolverine now. Nice!
Given our time again, and if we had your financial resources at that time, we wouldn’t have opted for full-time daycare, but we would have found ways our LMS equivalent could have occasional, perhaps weekly, interaction with other kids of similar age.
When it comes to screen time, there’s good and bad of course. Here’s a good example that I’ve found to be spell-bounding for kids from 9 months to 10 yrs:
https://youtu.be/y8KrXWte4qs?si=QxIfapfvotCBSytd
It’s a video that is strong in empathy set to a wonderful song by Emille Mover, a Canadian singer-songwriter. When I play it, the kids in the room stop and watch.
Thanks for sharing the video! I agree that 100% no screen time is not realistic. Sometimes you just gotta do it, to prevent squirming to cut their nails or hair.
We are totally fine with limited screen time and there are some good programs at there, like the one you shared.
Absolutely not!
Here in the mighty Americas, parents don’t usually have the choice ( not enough parental leave) and put their kids in daycare at 12 month or earlier.
But in other countries ( in Europe) moms have 2 years of parental plus the grand-parents to help ( it does take a village) And kids are eligible for day care only starting at 3 yrs old.
Not only they are still babies at 12 months, but after the first week of daycare usually kids get sick. And after, they get sick every weekend.
So if you can delay the daycare. He will have a lifetime to socialize and learn English.
Before I took my son to daycare they told me to teach him a few words so they could understand him. And it worked very well.
Good luck!
“But in other countries ( in Europe) moms have 2 years of parental plus the grand-parents to help ( it does take a village) And kids are eligible for day care only starting at 3 yrs old.”
Yes, this is why I’m enamoured with the European lifestyle and how family friendly it is.
I would say that using family and avoiding daycare is your better option (vs full time daycare) if you have the ability (meaning, willing and able family).
1) More time with family is good for both LMS and grandparents.
2) Can keep the language going.
3) You’ll never find anyone else who has his best interests to the same extent.
4) More flexibility for you.
5) Better nutrition than daycare food.
A few other points:
1) I wold suggest avoiding the public school system later when the time comes and home-schooling instead (combined with world-schooling probably in your case).
You two are far smarter and more capable than the whole of the school board teachers combined. LMS will be significantly more prepared for future world with your guidance compared to the TDSB.
2) If/when you home/world school, I am sure you will find your local homeschooling parents and create the social environment for LMS to develop the social skills. Don’t be fooled into thinking that going to public school helps with social skills. It used to back in the day. However, today, the kids interactions are so micro-managed that they don’t actually learn social skills, they are *prevented* from developing them.
As an example, one of the most important skills kids learn from playing with each other is conflict resolution (when playing a game and someone maybe cheated for example). Nowadays they are barely allowed to navigate this alone, as a teacher shows up right away and mediates it. Find your people, go against the grain, and follow your own gut and brains, which you have been doing for years now and it served you very well.
3) “Daycare is one giant petri dish”: – this should be on the “pro” not “con”. LMS immune system absolutely requires exposure and we evolved to be infected (and develop immunity) to whatever our local microbes are. If he won’t have it as a kid he will have much bigger problems as an adult.
-You’ll never find anyone else who has his best interests to the same extent.
-Better nutrition than daycare food.
Did not even think of these! Thanks for pointing this out. I do like the ability to have input into his food at home. Though I did pack a lunch for him at the flexible daycare. He definitely eats more and better when he’s at home with us.
“You two are far smarter and more capable than the whole of the school board teachers combined. LMS will be significantly more prepared for future world with your guidance compared to the TDSB.”
Really? I’m pretty sure that’s not true but appreciate your vote of confidence 😉
If you haven’t read them already, you might find Emily Oster’s books helpful. She is very data driven, and is good at evaluating the possible confounding factors in a given study. I work part time, so our son goes to daycare 3 days a week. I work two of them and have one day that I get to get other stuff done without him in the house. Often we will pick him up a little early on those days, but not always. Having a toddler can feel all encompassing, so the little break is helpful in recharging me. As he gets older and older he has more and more fun at “school.” They also have a gymnasium there, so he can get to run around and ride trikes even in the middle of winter, which is something we couldn’t offer him normally. So, overall, even if I didn’t have to work I would def have been putting him in some sort of preschool part-time for my sanity. It took me a bit to let go of the guilt, but he is perfectly fine, if not better off.
I’ve read “expecting better” but haven’t read “crib sheet” yet. Will add it to my TBR list.
Had old school daycare back when I was 3 years old, they would dump me off at the older retired lady’s house across the street, it was fine.
LOL. Your parents would get along great with my parents.
I’m sure you will choose what benefits both you and your son. My son was miserable in daycare (had to start at 6 months as that was the max maternity leave at the time) but absolutely loved his half-time Montessori school when he was 2 1/2 and I started doing consulting work from home. Have you looked into whether there is a Montessori school that offers part-time programs near where you want to live? They usually start at 2 1/5 though not at one. As an example, this school is in Langley (a suburb of Vancouver) and offers a morning Montessori preschool program that can be for 5 days/week, 3 days or just 2 days so lots of flexibility – https://nurturingheartsmontessori.com/facilities/#jameshill (in case you want to move into my neighbourhood 🙂)
I’ve heard good things about Montessori. Thanks for sharing the info!
We put our first child in 3PK, when she was three. Its basically daycare at the local elementary school subsidized by the state of New York. The wife and I were sick from October-March with COVID, Flu, Strep throat, Pink eye, and more. It was truly terrible.
Everyone kept saying you got to keep her in there and it will go away. It didn’t the whole first year. We put our daughter in 4PK this year and we haven’t gotten sick once. I think even if your kid is potty-trained and washes their hands, the other kids don’t until about age 4. Our second daughter is eligible for 3pk this year and we decided to keep her home until 4pk so we don’t do another Winter of suffering.
I think whether you should depends on the kid as well. Our first daughter is super friendly and likes to spend time with other children and ah hem*, practice her “leadership” (tell them what to do) skills, so daycare is a good option for her to interact with peers and practice those skills. Our second daughter basically hates anyone else besides her sister. We had some friend’s kids over multiple times and she never shares, and started fighting with them. We continue to pray for her :). I’m looking forward for her going to 4PK and learning some social skills since the teachers basically teach them that at these ages.
For me, I send them to school/daycare to learn social skills with their peers. Already, we’ve had to discuss what a bully is and how to deal with them, how to make and keep friends, how not to give in to peer pressure, and stand up for what’s right (I know she’s young at 4 going on 5, but believe me we’ve had to deal with all that).
“The wife and I were sick from October-March with COVID, Flu, Strep throat, Pink eye, and more. It was truly terrible.”
This sounds terrible. One of my worst nightmares.
” Our second daughter basically hates anyone else besides her sister.:
LOL. I couldn’t help but laugh at this. Hope she warms up to new people over time.
I always like how your posts use logic and weight in on different options. For this one, each parent should do whatever suits best their situation, no judgement. Both my partner and I need to work full time at this point in life and our kid has been in daycare since age one. To be honest, staying at home with a kid or kids is not for me. I love my kid to death, and feel guilty admitting that, but it is what it is. I don’t regret daycare at all, but I have switch over daycares (to pay significantly more) because I wasn’t happy with the care being received. I also speak a different language at home, and this is my kid dominant language for now, despite being in daycare since one year old, so no need to worry about that. She is actually already fluent in two languages because of daycare.
“For this one, each parent should do whatever suits best their situation, no judgement”
100% agree.
Yeah, I hear you on the “staying at home with kids is not for me”. I was by myself and didn’t have Wanderer to shoulder the burden, I’d feel the exact same way.
If you are OK with other family members to take care of your little ones once a week or so, it would be better than daycare. According to the book “Hold on to your kids” by a Canadian psychologist, the peer socializing is overrated in the western society. Before school age, it is more desirable to build long lasting warm and loving adult-child relationships. They can play with other kids occasionally on playground or in some short term classes, but really they don’t need to be institutionalized that early.
But of course whenever your child starts school, it will take some time to adjust which is OK. There is no need to excessively prepare a child for K for example, which turns out to be a big business these days at least in the US. After all, K used to be the time when all kids learn how to behave among peers. Now kids need to go to pre-K so that they could be well prepared for K, isn’t that ridiculous? These preschools, day cares, etc. exist because capitalism requires two working incomes to support a family for the classic middle class lifestyles, or they just want more labor and women are great workers by any means, and maybe a lot of women want to take a break from baby talking all day.
If you need a break, maybe find other adults you trust as a backup (grandparents, relatives, reliable babysitters etc.). It literally takes a village to raise a child when they are young that was how humans were in little tribes while some gathered food, some watched the young ones and young ones tumbled and played all day, and some watched for the group safety etc.
Whatever you do, your kid would be fine and we just need to pay attention that we don’t pass our anxiety and guilt to our kids. Another book I would recommend is “Awakened Families” by Dr. Shefali. Being a parent is not easy these days and anyone who has made that choice and wants to raise their kids with love is so brave and precious.
Another reader also recommended “hold on to your kids”. Guess I have no choice but to read it now 🙂
Thanks for all the recs!
Yes definitely no daycare if you have the option. Read articles by Erica Komisar!
Oh, good suggestions! I will look up her stuff.
All good points. I did daycare and didn’t much care for it for various reasons. I worked from home, and it was just unsustainable to keep them at home, especially since the father wouldn’t do his fair share of care for the kids or the house. I tried, but finding myself completing work at 2AM once too often was what made the daycare option necessary. Tried several of them, but didn’t continue with any of them. What eventually worked for me was hiring a college student, and later, an older woman who was retired, but still energetic and needed some extra income. She came to the house and handled most of the childcare while she was there, but since I was working from home, I was there to kiss them whenever they (or me!) wanted. They loved both of the caregivers, and I could see exactly what she was doing with them everyday. I was lucky I could afford to do this. After the divorce, (you knew that was coming!), I did go to a Mother’s Day Out program because I couldn’t afford private care anymore. Good luck with whatever you decide. You will second guess every choice you make on everything. Just know you are doing your best. It’s a truly hard job.
Oh, so you had a “mom’s helper” for when you worked from home. This makes perfect sense to me!
Sorry to hear about your divorce 🙁
“You will second guess every choice you make on everything. Just know you are doing your best. It’s a truly hard job.”
Love this! Thanks for reminding me.
Similar to others, I recommend finding someone to come to the home regularly if at all possible.
You’re still around which provides security for LMS (and to ensure safety until you can trust the person), but you get regular predictable time to do other things in life. It’s also much more flexible for when you’re travelling, or when you want extra care for nights out. I would even recommend getting 2 ppl each doing a couple of days each, so it gives LMS more ppl in his life, and it gives you 2 options for if you want a night out in case one of them is busy, and a back up possibility if they’re sick etc.
If you haven’t already, check out “Hunt, Gather, Parent”. SUCH a great book with a LOT of extremely effective strategies that I haven’t heard of elsewhere.
Good tips! I will check out the book recommendation.
Kids and Co used to offer part time options and they have locations in different parts of Canada!
I put my kids in a French daycare that allows part time eg Mon-Wed-Fri so long as another family is open to taking Tues-Thurs so the spot is filled full-time.
In Ontario, daycare costs are currently capped at $22/day until the child is 6 years old. Then the prices go back up for before/after school and summer care. I hope I get a taste of $10/day, will see if it happens. My friends in Quebec have paid less than $10/day for years…
Yeah, I contacted Kid and Co and sadly they don’t do part-time options anymore.
Yeah, I know the $10 is a myth. I know only one person who managed to get that in Vancouver, so it does exist, but impossible to get.
They have it good in Quebec.
I remember reading a similar article on the frugalwood’s blog years ago. They were debating about using a daycare/caregiver due to the cost. In the end, they decided to go for it, and never looked back. I think they went part time, if I recall correctly.
In our case, we ended up hiring a nanny for our toddler when she was 20 months old as we couldn’t find daycare (due to the daycare crisis). The nanny turned out to be an amazing decision for us. It made our life so much easier overall. She came to our house and took our daughter out to play with other toddlers at the nearby park or other nearby activities, so our toddler still had lots of socialization with other kids. Our daughter formed such a strong bond with our nanny. We’re still in touch with her. The only downside was the cost, but as it was temporary it was well worth it for us. (We found her on Canadiannanny.ca)
When our daughter turned 2 years old, our nanny went back to university and we put our daughter into daycare “full time.” We found a spot at a great daycare just down the road. Because our daughter had dropped her nap, in reality she was really only there part time. I would pick her up and be with her from 11:40 am through to 2 pm each day during the nap time.
We’re still with the same daycare, but my daughter just goes in the mornings now (from 9 am to 11:40 am). She spends the afternoons with us. It works perfectly for us all.
I would find a regularly priced full time daycare spot nearby with a good reputation that is flexible and bring LMS there for mornings only. Or find a good nanny. You could also look to nanny share with another family. Or maybe you could hire one of the ECEs from the daycare he was in that recently closed? If there was someone there that he liked, that could be a good solution.
I would recommend doing half days for four or five days a week, instead of full days. That way he will still see you after his nap and have time with you. But you’ll get the best of both worlds because you’ll be able to have some time for yourself in the mornings. If he’s napping from 12-2, that could mean you could bring home home for his nap, or he could nap at the daycare.
We have friends that travel a lot and have their child in daycare. As long as they pay for the spot the daycare doesn’t mind if they take him out for an extended trip.
I’d say if you can find a good flexible daycare or nanny then that should work for you.
And remember that everything is a phase. It’ll get easier week by week. But definitely go for it as it’s such a lifeline.
They say it takes a village, and it does!
And as long as you feel comfortable with whatever solution you find, then you can trust you’re doing the right thing for your family.
“We have friends that travel a lot and have their child in daycare. As long as they pay for the spot the daycare doesn’t mind if they take him out for an extended trip.”
Oh, this is good to know. Thanks for sharing!
You’re right, it’s a phase and changes as time goes on. That’s why I try not to plan too much (but I always fail as the spreadsheets always come out:D)
Totally get it.
Whether it’s a nanny or babysitter or daycare. Just helpful to have more tools in the toolbox so you can be the best parent you want to be.
They say “put your oxygen mask on before helping someone else.”
And “happy parent = happy child.”
Sometimes just getting someone to stop in to take care of your LO for an hour or two to give you a break can be all the oxygen you need.
And FWIW, in your case I would probably just go part-time nanny/babysitter for now. Will likely be more flexible than a daycare and would be immediate. The cost won’t be much different than a full day daycare anyways if the nanny/babysitter is coming for between 4-6 hours a week. And then you have the flex to go travel when you want. And even if it’s more, it might be well worth it. It sure was for us when our daughter was small.
I think the research on childcare for 0-3 is very inconclusive. This is one of those things where what’s best for your family is what’s best for your child. Sure, one-on-one parenting for the first few years, at home, is probably best generally speaking, but if that results in you being exhausted, irritable and/or your mental and physical health suffering, then that’s not going to be best for your child.
For my wife and I, with twins, daycare was a saviour. We were struggling to keep up with our jobs, chores, mental and physical health, but now we get the day to recharge and focus our minds on other things (like work) instead of having to be hyperfocused all the time on two toddlers and their needs. Perhaps other parents would shame us for not spending more time with our kids, but we feel we need daycare in order to be fully present and give them maximum positive attention in the mornings, evenings and weekends.
One more point: though it’s true that prior to 3 years old children don’t really cooperate together in play (though that’s not true for twins!), that doesn’t mean that they don’t learn from each other. My girls come home all the time having learned new words (their daycare is in French, but we speak English at home), songs, dances, or new games that they definitely didn’t learn from us. Additionally, the daycare always has activities and crafts planned that we would never have the energy to plan ourselves at home. I think there’s a lot of benefits to daycare and I don’t regret it for one minute, even though there was a period of transition at the beginning.
“This is one of those things where what’s best for your family is what’s best for your child.”
This is true. Thanks so much for sharing your experience with daycare!
As an American parent that had to put both kids in daycare I would recommend not putting LMS in daycare. My kids were often sick in the first 5 years (fevers and pink eye anyone?) and it’s true that they don’t really socialize well until 4 or 5. All they really do is fight over toys and miss out on quality naps. Preschool at 3 or 4 for a couple of days a week would be more beneficial for learning and socializing. In the meantime if you need a break I’d recommend a helpful part-time college sitter or some other part-time arrangement. My two cents.
Oh my lord, I cannot believe the only option is full time or no time – that is horrific for both kids and parents!! I’ve been to a couple of talks by a very convincing neuroscientist here in New Zealand and he says DO NOT put your kids into care before the the age of 3 if you can afford it, with the more time the worse it is. He goes so far as to say that any money you’re intending for schools or university you should spend it one parent being the fulltime caregiver for first 3 years of the kid’s life instead. Sadly my own kids started 4 days per week daycare at 11 months old and it was horrible, so many tears at drop off – they tolerated it because they had to. But there is a lot to be said for having some time to yourself too – in your case though, with both parents not working it seems like there would be plenty of opportunity to make arrangements like going to exercise at X time every day or even have a whole day or two each per week to go do you own thing.
I like a half-day or part-time approach. Having my Kids in an early preschool and Mexico helped them learn a second language. It also gave me time to focus on other things in my life to give me fulfillment. I love my children, but I need time to focus on myself as well, and having them in a Half day school was great. It helped me be refreshed to spend time with them and I felt like it was giving them something more than I could give them alone. Of course, do what works best for you and your family! There is no manual to follow…
When we met at UK Chautauqua in 2019, I was going back to work full-time to teach 9-10 year olds in California public schools. A lot changes in 6 years! Now I teach 3-4 year olds, part-time, at a private preschool in Ohio. This is my favorite option for children 2-5 years old if it works for the family. (I am not familiar with the options in Canada.) As a parent and teacher, I have found the benefits of a part-time preschool to outweigh the costs.
Over 16 years of parenting, we’ve used full-time daycare, a home daycare, part-time preschool, home care (during the pandemic), and having a stay-at-home parent. Each option has offered benefits and challenges!
Just like FI, an option for your family, may be more “outside of the box.” We have a couple of nature preschools in Ohio where the children are outside year-around. Some families really like Montessori schools, which can start at 18 months to 2 years old. Does Toronto offer any bilingual preschools? I have been known to organize all my daycare research into a spreadsheet. Wishing all the best for your family!
Hire a nanny part time or full time, works in your home. Young ppl are eager for the opportunity to earn and spend time with kids
I had to go back to work when Baby1 was 8 months old and my husband stayed home full time to care for her. With Baby2 I was home until he was 14 months old so had 2 kids at once (2 years apart). I put Baby1 in daycare 1 day a week when she was 2.5 because I was exhausted with a toddler and newborn. When I went back to work from Baby2, she was over 3 years old and I upped it to 2 days. I told my husband he’d thank me later. Even with Baby2 around, it was easier to get shopping and cooking done without a toddler in tow as well. Baby1 adjusted fine to daycare and seemed to really enjoy it, made friends and loved her caregivers. Our son went in at around age 2.5 part time as well which was helpful for our home life and he also adjusted well. Yes, we got sick a lot but then when they went to JK, they weren’t as sick as other kids who had stayed at home. Eventually, they get sick with everything and it hits the household. Our parents weren’t interested in caring for them and honestly, I didn’t want them to. Not everyone has the same caregiving style – feeding junk food, spanking, not paying attention and letting them get into dangerous situations. We preferred the daycare to the alternative. I had a friend who sent her daughter to an in-house daycare with 4 kids and the person left out a hot iron. Her two year old burnt her hand on it. I stayed away from those kinds of daycares and stuck to the one in a school that seemed more legit. There is no right or wrong answer, just what will let you keep your sanity and your relationship intact. 🙂
How are you managing low-cost living in Vancouver? Where are you looking that you can manage your lifestyle?
Or are you just willing to pay the price to live in this fantastic part of the country? (Reasonable)
Such a very fantastic and appreciating blog so keep doing your work is best thanks!