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I recently got an e-mail from a reader who’s on the fence about having kids, wondering why we decided to have a kid, and how they can make the decision.
I told him while I couldn’t give them the answer, I could at least explain how I made my decision, and maybe the question that finally helped me decide could be used to help him and other “fence-sitters”.
So, if you’re on-the-fence, here’s the story behind why I chose to become a parent and what I learned after spending a whole decade deliberating this decision.
Long time readers know I’m a risk adverse person. I never make decisions quickly or lightly. I obsess over the evidence and look at the problem from every angle. I ask people with experience. I write pros and cons lists. I leave no stone unturned to make the most optimal decision. But none of these things were helpful in making the most consequential decision of my life. Because unlike everything else in life, having kids is irreversible. You can quit your job, you can ghost your friends, you can divorce your spouse, but you can’t un-birth your kids.
Also, the tried-and-true methods I used to make all other life decisions was based on logic. Having kids is not logical. If it were logical, the answer would be an astounding “no”. After all, you are literally spending money to lose sleep, give yourself lifelong anxiety, and destroy your freedom. There is no guarantee of any return on your investment, and you’re selflessly giving to your kids forever.
And yet millions of people do this every year—willingly! Some even say it’s the best thing they’ve ever done.
Why?
The investigative journalist in me had to find out.
First, I tried interviewing parents. Many of them chose to have kids because they self-identify as “kids-people”. Others wanted to experience the act of raising kids. Some simply wanted to feel unconditional love.
I started wondering “do they simply have a different set of values?” Are their brains just wired differently? I wanted someone to prove I could skip parenthood without missing anything important.
Before having kids, I did a “values exercise” with my friends where we wrote down our highest values onto post-its, stuck them on the wall, and arranged them based on significance. My top 3 were: Wanderer, friends, and freedom. Kids were nowhere on that list. In fact, kids are the exact antithesis of friends and freedom, because as a parent, you lose your freedom and you have less time to see your friends.
So clearly, that should’ve been the end of it. Hop off the fence onto the childfree path, done. Right?
Except I wasn’t done. I still couldn’t let it go. It took me until the ripe old age of 36 to finally make this decision, and all that procrastination is the reason why I finally chose the “kid” path.
I would’ve been perfectly happy with either path, but if I were to do it again, I would still choose this path. Even though it’s relentlessly exhausting, so incredibly boring at times, and has put a huge strain on my marriage, raising my son has given me a new perspective. When faced with the “to kid or not to kid” decision, most of us are looking at it the wrong way.
Here’s why:
The mistake I think we all make
When we’re deciding whether to have children, we compare: Our current life to an imaginary future, which is either full of benefits or sacrifices.
But the truth is you will miss out, no matter which path you choose.
If you choose the “kid” path, you will miss out on all the things you could be doing if you weren’t spending all your time raising kids—spontaneous adventures, ambitious projects, creative pursuits, sleep, more time with your spouse.
If you choose the “no kid” path, you will miss out on the experience of raising a child—building a relationship from scratch, watching a personality emerge, and discovering how that process changes you.
Both paths are valid. Neither is better than the other one. They both have opportunity costs.
Which opportunity cost feel more acceptable to you?
In other words, which would you rather miss out on?
For me, I wasn’t choosing between two mysteries.
I was in a unique situation where, unlike most people, I wasn’t choosing between two mysteries. I was choosing between a mystery and a known.
I’d already lived the childfree chapter as a traveller, bestselling author, and early retiree, so I knew what another decade of travel, writing, and freedom looked like. I’d already lived what I would’ve been missing out on.
Parenthood was the one major human experience I couldn’t investigate from the outside. I couldn’t read enough books, interview enough parents, or babysit enough children to replicate the experience. This was an experience that had to be lived. I had to solve this mystery.
I also suspected it would challenge how I understood people. I grew up in a family where achievement came before connection. Love was often expressed through usefulness, and emotions were something to suppress rather than understand. I wondered if parenthood might teach me something that success never could.
Timing matters more than people admit
I wouldn’t have picked parenthood if I had to make this choice ten years earlier. The “path not taken” of writing, travelling, and freedom was not something I could fathom missing out on. I would’ve gone through life not knowing what that was like and regretted it.
Only after I’d lived those experiences did I feel excited to try out the second path. That’s why I think a better question than “Should I have kids?” is “Is this the right chapter for me right now?”
What surprised me most about parenting
Before becoming a parent, I thought parenting was mostly about raising a child. Turns out, the most fascinating part wasn’t teaching my son, it was meeting him. Watching his personality slowly emerge, learning what makes him laugh, what scares him, how he solves problems. These are all the best parts of watching him become a person.
What makes parenting different from any other experience I’ve had before is that this is a relationship you build, from scratch.
Every important relationship in my adult life began with someone whose personality already existed. But with my son, I watched him go from nothing to a little person.
I used to think that the parent-child relationship depended mostly on luck. But what surprised me was that a lot of it was within my control. Relationships aren’t built through perfection. They’re built through thousands of tiny interactions. A bedtime story, a hug, or an apology after losing your patience. Trust is built through small, seemingly insignificant moments over a long period of time, not one grand gesture.
That said, parenting isn’t for everyone, and here’s why:
What made me realize it isn’t for everyone
There’s a lot of things when it comes to parenting that are outside your control. You can’t choose your child’s temperament. Or their health. You also won’t know whether you’ll enjoy being a parent until you are one.
Having a child is rolling a dice. And then rolling it again and again because your child never stays the same.
The parent of a newborn is living a completely different life from the parent of a curious three-year-old, or a teenager, or an adult child.
Some parents prefer the earlier years. Other are the opposite. Some were never meant to be parents and wish they chose differently.
Personally, I found the first three years incredibly hard. My son became much more enjoyable once he could communicate, play independently, ask questions and reveal his personality.
Each child is different and each parent’s experience is different. Parenting isn’t for everyone and that’s ok.
Questions to ask yourself
Instead of asking:
“Will I be happier if I have children?”
I think better questions are:
Which path feels like the bigger mystery?
What experience would be hardest to never know?
Is this the right chapter?
When I picture the end of my life, which story feels more complete (not easier or happier, but more complete)?
What kind of life am I naturally drawn toward?
Can I accept that there are things I can’t control?
The Question that Helped Me Decide
Here’s the question that finally helped me decide:
Which mystery would be harder for you to leave unsolved?
Raising a child, watching a personality emerge, and building a lifelong relationship from the beginning?
Continue living the life you can live without raising a child, and enjoy creating, travelling, freedom.
The first mystery was harder for me to leave unsolved because I already knew what the second one was like.
What Parenting Taught Me
Last week the daycare called because my son was getting sick. I was exhausted, sick myself, and irritated that my plans for the day had disappeared. But after I picked him up, he smiled, gave me a kiss, then looked at Wanderer and me, and said, “Mommy, Daddy, and me so happy together.” I couldn’t have planned that moment. I couldn’t have optimized for it. His happiness brought me as much joy as any accomplishment I’d ever achieved.
And somewhere along the way, without realizing it, parenting has taught me something that logic, ambition and achievement couldn’t.
Relationships aren’t something you find. They’re something you build. Through a series of seemingly boring, inconsequential actions over a long period of time. After reading the same bedtime book for the 57th time, making the 105th lunch, and apologizing after losing your patience for what feels like the thousandth time, you are shaping them by showing up and being there, no matter how bored or tired you are. You are building trust and the unconditional love that becomes one of the deepest relationships you will ever know.
I used to think there was a “right” way to be. Parenting taught me that different personalities come with different strengths and struggles. The traits that make a child difficult in one situation often become their greatest strengths in another. A cautious child notices risks others miss. A strong-willed child refuses to give up. Instead of trying to change my son, I started trying to understand him.
You can genuinely be happy just because your child is happy, even if it you aren’t gaining anything from it (in fact, you’re sacrificing a lot). You’ve never given so much and yet been so incredibly fulfilled doing it.
Conclusion
I still don’t know whether parenthood is “worth it.” But I do know this:
Travel taught me about the world.
Writing taught me about ideas.
FIRE taught me about freedom.
Parenting teaches me about people.
Over time, parenting has changed me as a person and given me a completely different worldview. Just like FIRE and travel changed me in many ways and are some of the best things I’ve ever done.
This was the right mystery for me to solve, at the right time. Which mystery would be harder for you to leave unsolved?
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Very interesting article, thank you. As someone who has always been 100% child-free and has absolutely no desire to solve any other mysteries, it’s still intriguing to hear another perspective
I’m happy for you 🙂 Kids are not for everyone.
We have a 3 year old and also had her when we were in our late 30’s so a similar path as you. We were much more financially sound than earlier in our life.
I kind of viewed having a child as an investment and like you knew I would enjoy it more when their personality began coming out more. Also I knew my wife would make a great mother. That helped with the decision.
“Also I knew my wife would make a great mother.” That’s great! I had the opposite suspicious about myself–worried that I would make a terrible mother based on my role model. But as it turns out, you have more control over that than you think. I’m happy for you guys!
I always enjoy reading your point of view. As a mother myself, I agree that having a child is something that can’t be explained, only experienced, and with making that decision there is no right or wrong – we are all free to choose the life we want to live.
Once I heard something in an interview and stuck with me, maybe because is what comes close to explaining why it is so hard but it makes me so happy all at the same time: it is not about yourself and what is in it for you, it is just about being in someone’s orbit, and being happy with that.
“it is just about being in someone’s orbit, and being happy with that.”
Love that!
This was beautiful. “Love was often expressed through usefulness, and emotions were something to suppress rather than understand.”
And reflective. Thank you!
Thanks, Kristi! (great name btw ;))
Very well thought out. As a mother and grandmother, the financial piece was never one I focused on, and somewhere inside of me, maybe because I was the oldest sibling being a mom felt like the normal thing to do. Hardest thing ever. Like deciding to go to graduate school, costs money, takes a lot of work and a few years later you know a few more things. I was not originally excited to become a grandparent because I knew how much work and time investment it is (for my kids) but it has been a joy and ongoing growth experience. I didn’t realize I could automatically love someone, but it happens. On the other hand, I wish people didn’t automatically fall into being parents. Really, it is not for everyone. If you are happy in your life and you aren’t into kids, pets or caretaking others, it most likely is not for you. Enjoy your path whichever is best for you.
I’m so glad you are enjoying grandparenthood! I was shocked at how much my parents are enjoying it too.
yes, I agree that it’s not for everyone and people shouldn’t push themselves onto the wrong path if it doesn’t work for them.
“When I picture the end of my life, which story feels more complete (not easier or happier, but more complete)?”
That’s a profound question that I’ve never considered. Answering it is complicated because we usually experience the present moment very differently from how we recall it in retrospect. So what your future self will feel as being complete is unknown currently.
This is true. Because the future you will be a different person from the current you, so we can only estimate. That’s why these decisions are so difficult. The only proximation is to close your eyes, image if you were to die right now, which version would feel more completely. It’s not a perfect decision maker, but it helps.
Very well written.
I however am in perpetual shock and horrified to my core that somehow the entire species, as it has become rich beyond our ancestors comprehension, suddenly, mysteriously decided to stop breeding. One of the foundational functions of life itself. Rich countries outsourced production of so much it now includes people, but poor nations do not have that option. AI and automation will save our economy, and perhaps with time we will become like an ant colony with centralized reproduction and sterile drones, but we built the ant colony society before the centralized reproduction.
Emotional and financially stable couples everywhere deciding “Nope”. I understand the many hardships of existence that block the path to having children. Some people most definitely cannot and should not. But for healthy normal people who have their shit together to choose not have children is truly, deeply horrifying to me.
In my younger and more liberal days, I accepted the “only you can decide” narrative. But watching the healthiest and smartest people of my generation Darwin Award themselves out of the gene pool has led to me viewing the current birth rate collapse as a destructive mind virus afflicting modern civilization, and notably hitting the liberal side of society I traditionally made friends from more intensely. The majority of people I graduated with, the majority of people I made friends with before I was married, have not had children. With the bulk of those people now in their 40’s to 60’s, it is safe to say most are not going to become parents ever.
I personally don’t want myself or my children to live in a world where strict religions dominate because they are the only ones keeping birth rates above replacement, though they too are experiencing sharp declines with a few exceptions.
With the still fertile couples I meet, I gently try to nudge them, but not nearly with the intensity I feel about the topic. Watching population collapse manifest in the present, and no longer as some future worry, feels me with the same dread as watching the full scale invasion of Ukraine, a modern, western nation. Literal cities worth of humans being erased. Cultures, food, ideas, etc. all fading away to nothing.
So to all those healthy normies reading; go have some kids! It WILL make you a better, richer person, and maybe, just maybe, keep humans in the universe a little longer.
Interesting perspective. I personally would prefer a world were people had kids because they chose carefully rather than were influenced into the decision. It’s too much work for people who don’t enjoy the benefits.
Ok, so there are more Nigerians and Indians running the world in 2100. That’s fine? I don’t think it portends the absolute collapse of civil society, just something all together different than what we have now. Asking the “normal, healthy, have-their-shit-together” people to shoulder the burden of carrying on western, liberal civilization is an odd and… positive eugenics-leaning take, honestly.
Thanks for openly sharing this perspective on this very prominent topic. I believe however if you were to think of this like a mystery then there are more mysteries in life than weather or not to have a child – ‘what if I was an Astronaught and went into space?’ – instead of my current life, ‘what if I became an amazing brain surgeon? Instead of my current life’, I think the reason you made this ‘choice’ to have a kid is because deep down you always imagined that you wanted to be a parent and so this decision held high value for you – hence deliberating for 10 years and proceeding with it despite logically the answer was ‘no’. I would debate that it shouldn’t be a question of ‘missing out’ as you can view many things in life that way but rather what are you trading off to make this choice and are you happy with it? – freedom,, stress, uncertainty, degrading of existing relationships such as your existing string relationship with your partner will suffer due to your 110% focus on the child, doing boring repetitive parent stuff for the majority of your adult life – what’s the real trade off? I’m not against people having kids and also happy for you and Wanderer (and I don’t dislike kids either -small doses for me though) but I believe it’s simply a personal choice of how strongly one wants to be a parent and with many variable influencing factors and non-parents who are considering should look at the trade offs very carefully before making this choice.
That is quite true. I always want to be a parent while my partner does not and he felt obligated to give in early on, which has created a lot of strains in the relationship. Our child is happy and healthy and I have learned a lot from parenting (basically it changed my whole perspective of relating to my family and others). It is not easy, and it is not always fun. My partner still stays and enjoys it occasionally but there are many times he wished things could go otherwise. I think it is basically a gut feeling, some biological instinct, like people growing up wishing to be parents and around kids, but some people just don’t like that, but there are no way of knowing until you try it. You can be as prepared as you could be, finances, stable and loving environment, etc., but when a new life enters the world and you are the sole guardians to bring this lifeform to be self-sustainable in modern world, it is a heck of a run even with healthy generally happy kids, not to mention the cohorts with various health or other problems. I grew up in cultures highly valued reproduction, and I had fantasy of being a parent from various literature (imagine the peaceful, smiling, loving Mary to chubby baby Jesus in most paintings). So when I initially wanted kids that may be a big influence. Now that I have experienced it myself, I am good with one kid and wish one day to do more things with more free time. We don’t live in life alternatives anyways, so whatever it is right now is probably the best we could do. If I have a next life, I may try no kids, or another next life, I may try multiple kids, etc.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts 🙂 Agree that there are many more mysteries, but the two I was choosing are attainable ones like –travel/authorship/early retirement versus motherhood rather than wild ones (I likely will never be able to become an astronaut or a brain sergeant. )
“I think the reason you made this ‘choice’ to have a kid is because deep down you always imagined that you wanted to be a parent and so this decision held high value for you”
This is actually not true. I actually had very little interest in being a parent and rarely imagined myself being one (so definitely not “always imagined”). In fact, the fact that I had an abusive mother turned me off motherhood. The whole domestic side of it–packing lunches, planning birthday parties, doing sentimental things–I find those things boring as hell. Even now, those are all parts of parenting that I don’t enjoy. That doesn’t mean I don’t love my kid and/or enjoy watching him grow up, and the whole fascinating experience of building a relationship from scratch. They can all be true and exist at the same time.
I honestly was super curious about this life experience that couldn’t be replicated by anything else. It was very hard to make this decision though, because the benefits are not something I could see, they had to be felt and there was no way to do that until I was in it. So in that sense, I took a big risk and luckily it paid off. Probably the only illogical decision I ever made.
I agree with you that trade-offs are very important to consider. It’s just hard to consider the benefits without actually being in it and feeling it because they can’t be seen. No one will truly know whether that benefit is actually worth it to them just by listening about it through second hand experience from other parents. So I get why many people won’t make this choice and it’s perfectly valid to not take this risk.
Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a thoughtful reply—I genuinely appreciate it.
I also want to apologise because I didn’t mean to assume your reasoning or come across as criticising your decision (I should have had a coffee before commenting on this so early in the morning from Australia). Reading your additional context completely changed how I viewed it. The fact that you weren’t naturally drawn to parenthood, yet still spent so many years carefully thinking it through before taking what you saw as a leap into the unknown, makes your story even more interesting.
I found it particularly insightful that you described the benefits as something that couldn’t really be understood intellectually or through other people’s experiences—they had to be lived. That’s a perspective I hadn’t fully considered, and it gives me a better understanding of why this decision is so difficult for many people.
I’m genuinely happy that taking that risk has worked out so well for you, and it’s lovely to see how much joy and fulfilment little Matchstick has brought into your lives, despite some of the parts of parenting still not being your favourite.
Wishing you, Wanderer and little Matchstick all the very best. Thanks again for sharing your experience so openly—it made for a fascinating discussion.
1000% to benefits had to be felt for me too. Your post really resonated with me, and I also asked myself that same question, “When I picture the end of my life, which story feels more complete (not easier or happier, but more complete)?” After traveling so much in my twenties, I realized that motherhood is this mysterious experience across cultures that I was curious about and wanted to understand more. Yet, becoming a mother was one of the hardest things I ever experienced, but it’s because I felt ambivalent about it even after giving birth to my son. Now I’m in my third trimester with my second child, and I’m so excited to watch my son become a brother and build a new relationship with his sister. The ambivalence of motherhood hasn’t gone away, but I’m so much more comfortable sitting with ambivalence—in multiple aspects of my life. For me, it’s learning how to sit with ambivalence that has really changed my perspective about how I approach my life and relationships. I don’t think I could’ve unlocked this part of myself if I hadn’t become a mother.
Some other thoughts: two parents are better than one and the second half has to be on the same page in this commitment and responsibility. Be prepared for the changes of opinion and differences never encountered in the relationship.
Also, do not think having a child will improve a relationship that isn’t foundationally sound. Many women think a child can “fix” a poor relationship, but it can wind up in terrible financial and family circumstances and if things end up in divorce or separation.
100% agree with all these points.
Some other thoughts: two parents are better than one and the second half has to be on the same page in this commitment and responsibility. Be prepared for the changes of opinion and differences never encountered in the relationship.
Also, do not think having a child will improve a relationship that isn’t foundationally sound. Many women think a child can “fix” a poor relationship, but it can wind up in terrible financial and family circumstances and if things end up in divorce or separation.
Great post! I been curious about your perspective on this topic. Thanks for sharing! 🙂
Thanks, Eileen!
I’ve been following you both for a while, but this is the first time I’m making a comment. This article really moved me. I was expecting logical, optimizing analysis, but what your actual decision-making process is driven by curiosity and the heart-felt intuitions. The questions you asked instead of “happiness”, you are pursuing “When I picture the end of my life, which story feels more complete (not easier or happier, but more complete)?” and “What experience would be hardest to never know?” Those are good questions that also helped with my process. Rooting for you!
Thanks, Mag! Appreciate you taking the time to comment and tell me your reaction to it 😀
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This post hit way too close to home! Trying to figure out the whole child-free versus parenthood dilemma is honestly exhausting, and reading how you broke it down without all the usual societal fluff was such a breath of fresh air. Life gets so chaotic trying to weigh pros, cons, and future regrets that sometimes you just need to step back and laugh at the madness. Speaking of chaos, trying to navigate appointments, playdates, or even just a quiet night out when you’re indecisive is hard enough—do yourself a favor and book reliable taxi services if you’re rushing around town trying to clear your head. Seriously though, thanks for keeping it so real about the pressures of major life choices. It’s comforting to know others struggle with the exact same mental ping-pong match!
My kids are now 28 and 24 and I can’t imagine what my life would be like without them. When my oldest was born I was 32 and working full time at a large law firm in Los Angeles and was married to another lawyer with a demanding career. I was perpetually exhausted during my 30’s, yet I look back on it as the happiest time of my life. There is nothing like coming home from a long day of work and hearing the sound of little feet running to jump in your arms when you open the door. (This did not happen when they were teenagers!) There is no other love like the love you have for your children and I didn’t want to miss this fundamental human experience. Parenthood also gave me a new appreciation for my husband as I got to see him not just as a partner but as a loving, devoted and sacrificial father. We FIRED early and are enjoying our empty nest years together which initially felt like a second honeymoon, but our lives are definitely more full and complete because of our children. Parenthood isn’t for everyone, but I think more people should think about how they will feel when they are looking back on their life before deciding to be childless.