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I plunged the syringe into a small glass vial and slowly released the liquid into the powder, carefully to not spill a single drop. As I slowly swirled the contents together, feeling like some sort of mad scientist, the irony of the situation suddenly dawned on me. Staring down at my carefully laid out row of syringes on the diaper changing table, my friend’s words echoed in my brain “I’d never use a public bathroom changing table! Ew! Do you know how many drug addicts shoot up on those things?”
Now somehow, I was part of the problem.
Life is weird sometimes. We spend the first half of our lives trying not to get pregnant, and the 2nd half trying to get pregnant.
And that’s how I found myself injecting strange chemicals into my belly at 7am in the public bathroom of my fertility clinic, with seconds to spare before my one-hour window ran out. Why they had to schedule my doctor’s appointment within an hour of the exact time I needed to administer the meds was beyond me. After feeling the biting sting of the meds as I pushed down the syringe plunger, I looked down at my watch and sighed with relief. I had made it…for today. Tomorrow, I’d have to do it all over again.
Infertility sucks. And to add insult to injury, this diagnosis came about after I’d finally healed from my childhood trauma and convinced myself that despite having a mom that beat me on a regularly basis, I can still, in fact, be a good mom, and break the cycle of generation trauma. After swearing off having kids, then being on the fence, then finally getting comfortable with the idea, fate had other plans for me.
According to professor of environmental medicine Shanna Swan, by 2045 most couples will need IVF to conceive due to all the plastics in our environment. That was cold comfort, knowing that this was a test that I was failing again and again and there was no way to study for it. After a lifetime of studying hard and acing tests, this was a test completely outside my control. No amount of studying was going to make any difference.
After years of trying naturally, a miscarriage, multiple cycles of failed IUIs, my doctor finally decided to bring in the big guns—IVF.
Before starting IVF, no one told me how grueling the schedule would be. Daily early morning ultrasounds, blood draws, and doctor appointments took over my life. I became an expert at stabbing myself in the abdomen with a concoction of IVF drugs, which turned me into a human pin cushion.
The hardest part wasn’t the countless needles, the blood tests, or even the surgery to remove my eggs. The hardest part was the failures.
The transfers of the embryos back into my body, and then the gruelling 10 day wait, during which I was forbidden from swimming, working out, lifting heavy things, and, in a twist of irony, have sex.
But after all that, when a negative result came back, it felt like I’d spent ages climbing up a impossibly steep mountain, only to be told at the very top to go back down and start over again.
Every failure shook my resolve to become a mother. Every failure erupted in a big fight with my husband, who had no idea how to talk to me that wouldn’t result in inexplicable rage or uncontrollable sobbing. I was a mess. The fact that my body was pumped full of IVF drugs probably didn’t help my emotions.
What no one tells you about IVF (even though there’s a mandated therapy session beforehand) is how you’re going to feel in the midst of it. And no matter how well meaning, when your partner says “it’s ok, we can be happy without kids,” Or “let’s just stop. There’s no need to torture yourself”, all it does is make you even more determined to keep going, no matter how futile it seems.
I realized over many failures that sometimes you just need to cry and that’s ok. There’s really nothing anyone (including your partner) can say that will make it better. They just need to hold you and let you sob.
That’s the thing about infertility. It shows us just how little in life we have control over. And no matter how hard we try, it doesn’t impact the outcome. The only thing you have control over is your reaction.
It’s easier said than done, but the only way I got through IVF is to learn how to be content with both outcomes: being childfree and being a mother. Funnily enough, only then, after I had accepted the reality and started making travel plans assuming that none of this would work out, that’s when I got pregnant through IVF. When I found out, we had a flight booked to Thailand leaving in just a few days. I was also completely out of meds, because what was the point?
So, when the nurse called me to tell me the good news, my brain froze, unable to process what she was telling me. Then a wave of emotion hit me like a tidal wave. And then, panic at realizing that we had months of travel plans booked that no matter made sense. All I can say is that thank goodness that the beginning part of our trip was booked with refundable tickets because that allowed us to move our itinerary around to accommodate what our doctor told us was safe.
If you’re going through infertility, I want you to know you’re not alone. It sucks and it hurts and it seems like you’re a very dark tunnel with no end in sight. There are few words I can say to make the hurting stop. You may need to scream and cry and talk to other people going through the same thing, hoping that one day you will be able get off the merry-go-round of horror that is infertility. I’m with you.
Things I learned, going through IVF:
AMH
Get your AMH tested. The AMH stands for Anti-Mullerian Hormone and it is released by the ovaries and gives you an idea of how many eggs you have left. Since women are born with all the eggs they will ever have and this number goes down over time, the older you get, the more this number decreases. As a result, this “egg timer” test can give you an idea of your ovarian reserve based on a range of normal numbers by age.
It’s a simple blood test that you just need a referral from your doctor for. It costs around $70 and isn’t covered by insurance but could save you a ton of money in the long run if you find out your reserve is low and can get started on fertility treatment faster.
Follicle Count
Get your follicle count. This is done by ultrasound and combined with AMH test results can give you an idea of how fertile you are.
Both numbers test for number of eggs and not quality of eggs though, so it’s not 100% guaranteed but does give you a baseline for how much time you have left before fertility declines.
Age 35
There’s a well-known study that discovered a women’s fertility plummets by age 35. This is an outdated French study done in the 1800s and has now been replaced by a more recent study done in Japan that says more realistically that 38 is the age fertility declines. This new study was cited by multiple Reproductive Endocrinologists I saw in Canada and in Thailand.
Things I learned NOT to do during IVF:
This may not come as a surprise to long-time readers of this blog, but I can be…let’s say…a bit of an intense person.
This has worked out to my advantage in school and careers, but one place this definitely doesn’t help is when your partner is trying to produce a sperm sample.
OK, in my defense, I don’t think I’m alone in thinking that it’s a little unfair that the woman has to stab themselves multiple times a day, endure bloating and cramping, and then do minor surgery to produce an egg sample, and all the guy has to do is jack off into a cup.
Which is why after months of preparation, when the big day arrives to turn my little eggs into little embryos, I gently encouraged Wanderer by banging on the bathroom door and yelling “HURRY THE HELL UP! WE HAVE TO GO IN 15 MINUTES!!!”
I was later told that this was a tad counter-productive and might have made things go…less smoothly than they could have.
Fortunately, everything worked out juuuust in time, but not without a fair amount of panicky flop sweat on Wanderer’s part.
So…yeah. Don’t do that.
In the end we got our little MatchStick but it wasn’t easy and it wasn’t fast.
I hope my story can be helpful for someone struggling or have struggled with infertility like I did. Feel free to comment or e-mail me and I’ll try to give you as much information as I can about what I did to prepare for IVF and what’s involved. You are not alone.
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Hey, I’m sorry to hear about your fertility troubles, but thank you for opening up about it. I know it’s difficult. I am just curious the cost you incurred with all of the procedures. I’m in Canada as well, and I know mostly everything isn’t covered. It’s such a costly venture.
In Canada, for residents of Ontario, you get one cycle of IVF covered. IVF meds cost around $5000. I’m not sure about other provinces.
I am interested in the cost as well. Was this covered in your FI budget? I have heard that IVF can cost upwards of 100k.
IVF costs obviously vary depending on the country and province you live in. Generally, an IVF extraction (where the eggs are taken out) is $15k + $5k for the drugs. Subsequently, a transfer of each egg is $2500, so the situations where the IVF cost $100k happen because the patient needed multiple extractions, donor eggs, etc.
In Ontario, one cycle (extraction + transfer) is covered by the government, but not the drugs, which is $5000.
Based on my research, it costs around $10k USD per cycle in SE Asia, meds included. There’s even a clinic in NY in the US where it costs $5000 USD per cycle.
As you can see, this is a long, detailed and complicated topic and the costs vary widely, so I can write about this in a later article.
IVF is really really difficult. I work with fertility patients all the time (BTW you did not mention that the gold standard in fertility treatment is the combo of IVF *WITH* acupuncture. IDK if you did that or not).
Even if a patient “does everything right” it’s still a numbers game in the end which is disheartening to hear, especially for a lot of patients who are overachievers in other ways and waited until the timing was right for them. It can feel really unfair. Also it’s so lopsided since in a partnership it’s usually one person who is doing the bulk of research, appointments, shots/meds, etc. Let alone figuring out how to pay for all of this (expensive as h3ll in the US. Which also gets me upset- only the privileged can even get access to IVF).
Anyway congrats on your little one and wishes for health for your whole family.
Thanks Dizzy for sharing your experience. I’ve heard of some patients have success with acupuncture. I tried it once and thought it was relaxing but didn’t do that much for me. Maybe it’s a better fit for other people. Appreciate you sharing advice on that.
Thank you so much for sharing this. It will help many others. We went through a similar journey over 16 years ago, when it was much less spoken about and nobody out there shared their experiences, except anonymously on private IVF type forums. The emotional work was grueling and lonely. I’m so grateful for my partner and our decision to dig into our savings to pay for the entire thing out of pocket since there was no coverage at that time. It set us back financially, but my two teenage boys were worth it.
Aww, thanks TL. It’s a hard topic to talk about but I’m hoping talking about it will make those going through infertility feel less lonely. I’m glad it worked out for you and your family.
OK but for a financial blog you could have broken down the costs and math things up for Canada and the US cases, compare healthcare and all..
Yup, that’s a good idea for a future post. This is more of a post to help those going through it feel less alone. The finances are very detailed and complicated and needs separate post to break it all down.
*Hug* I’m happy for you both. We had our son pretty late too – 38 years old. Fortunately, Mrs. RB40 didn’t have to do the IVF. It sounds difficult.
Best wishes.
Thanks, Joe. Having met your family in Thailand, your son is awesome and I’m glad you were able to have him later on in life. It does get harder but being an older parent, I’m seeing the benefits too. Very little FOMO when I see childfree couples and pictures of their adventures 😀
Thank you for sharing, we are going through this and I don’t know how to explain the despair. Your article helps a lot.
Hi Bellamoona,
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I know there isn’t anything I can say to make it better but I feel your pain. If you ever need to vent or someone to talk to to feel less alone about this, feel free to e-mail me.
Hey guys, longtime fan girl here since I first stumbled upon your blog in 2016. Thank you for bravely sharing your experience. I had my only child at 38, and can relate to the struggle leading up to becoming a parent. Congratulations on little Matchstick, and big hugs for all the hardship you endured leading up to his arrival.
Thanks, Laura. Congrats on your family too and sending you hugs back.
Kudos to you for sharing your journey. Maybe as more women/couples share their story with those around them – the inward voices chanting “failure” will quiet as conception assistance is normalized. Congrats on your little matchstick. The joy of motherhood has changed my entire life. Everyone deserves a chance at that if they want it.
Thanks, Chris. It’s not easy to share fertility struggles, but I think it’s worth it if I can show that it’s not something to be ashamed of.
I’m glad motherhood has changed your life. It’s really not comparable to any other life experience.
Thanks for opening about your experience. Miscarriage is happens pretty often and not talked about enough. I’m so glad it worked out in the end! Little Matchstick is so cute!
Thanks, Eileen! The first time I heard about miscarriage talked/joked about openly was from the first Ali Wong Netflix special. Was very shocked because it was so taboo at the time. Couldn’t relate back then but boy was I happy to watch that special again and not feel alone when I went through it later.
This is a very impactful post on a significant topic to share. Let’s say unmarried woman can go thru similar cycles and emotions in different ways and the experiences need to be acknowledged too.
At the end of the day, one gets to arrive where they acknowledge that it’s out of control and either way is acceptable.
Thanks, Eve. Yes, the hardest thing about infertility is the lack of control. Doesn’t matter how hard you try, you cannot impact the outcome. You can only accept it.
Thank you so much for sharing. ❤
It was not easy to talk about but comments like this make it worth it. Thank you for taking the time to write it.
Hi all, thank you for sharing. I also went through several years of infertility treatment over 22 years ago – it was not the most pleasant experience and even then it was tremendously expensive. We ended up adopting our son through Children’s Aid – he was 3 years old. Now he is a beautiful 25 year old university graduate and we couldn’t be more proud of him. For those going through the drama of infertility please bear in mind – there are many ways to make a family – be sure to keep your options open and chose what works best for you 🤗.
I love this: “there are many ways to make a family”. Thanks so much for sharing your experience of adoption and I’m so happy it worked out for your family.
Thank you so much for speaking up about this very common yet somehow taboo struggle. Women are so strong and incredible!!! I’m also in Canada and would love to know more about the costs and advice for going through this. Perhaps a second article?? Appreciate you both.
Thanks, Nancy! Yes, the costs vary widely depending on where you live and which clinic you go to. Will add this topic to my queue for future articles. If you live in Ontario and/or need advice, feel free to e-mail me.
Thank you so much for writing about this. We were able to have our first without ivf, but now after two years and lots of tests and trying we are on our second round of ivf to try and have a second. The first round totally failed to produce embryos so we didn’t even make it to implantation. Thank you for sharing, and it did make me feel better to hear so many of the things you shared here.
I’m sorry you’re struggling for your 2nd and having to go through ivf. What helped me was the book “It Starts with the Egg” in prepping my body for IVF and getting rid of environmental toxins beforehand. The book’s FB group was also helpful for camaraderie and advice. Sending you lots of good luck and hoping for positive results!
I’m sorry you had to go through this and very happy you needed up with your little Matchstick.
As someone who delayed IVF because “it’s so grueling, it will be one of the hardest things you’ve ever done, the hormones are hell, you’d lose your personality, and be very lucky to not loose your spouse in the process “, I wish I started sooner.
We waited, we tried all the lighter methods, we didn’t want to subject me to the “horrors of it”.
In the end, the treatments themselves were a piece of cake. The injections, the ultrasounds, the egg retrievals, the embryo insertions. I had almost no side effects. Had I known the process would be so easy, I’d start a few years earlier.
And then maybe, they would be a chance the IVF would be successful.
As it stands, we are mega-lucky. We have a fantastic kid conceived naturally. But then we tried to have more for over a decade. And it never happened.
So I want to shout to people who are afraid – IVF can be easy. It doesn’t always destroy your body, your relationships, and your mental health. It’s not an impossible scenario to do an IVF and just… be ok.
If you’re considering it, and the factor stopping you is “the horrors” – please know there’s a possibility you’d be lucky. But if you delay out of fear, your chances go down with every year that passes.
Thanks for sharing your experience, Fi, and I’m sorry trying for a second didn’t work out. I’m glad you were able to conceive your first kid naturally.
Remember our chats at Camp FINK in Portugal? A few years and 3 kids later, so crazy to see where life has taken us since. And here’s to the best years yet now with littles in tow <3
HAHA, that seems like forever ago! It is crazy to see how far we’ve come since then. Hope to meet up with you and your little ones somewhere in the world in the future.
Thanks for sharing this – it’s a painful topic, lots of triggers there.
I ended up going to Denmark for IUI, the financial cost was better, and they provide great care.
Oh, good to know the financial costs for IUI in Denmark is reasonable and you got great care. Thanks for sharing your experience, Nadine.
This is so helpful! Thank you for sharing. I’m 40 and just started the process, this article came at the right time for me 🙂
Oh wow, I’m sending you lots of hugs and luck for a positive result! Feel free to e-mail me and I’ll send you all the resources that helped me, so I can save you time.
What a journey. Thanks for sharing this. I had no idea you went through all of that. I’m so glad it worked out with your little one in the end! If you’re hoping for a second, I really hope it works out for you too. I remember the challenges Go Curry Cracker faced as well.
Thanks Mr. NN. It’s not easy for me to talk about. When I was going through it, I didn’t want to tell anyone in case it failed so I can be content with the childfree path. Luckily it worked out in the end (really didn’t expect it to) but boy was it an emotional rollercoaster.
Too many posts about children, I’m unfollowing.
Thank you so much for sharing. It’s an intensely personal and painful topic. I think it’s only fully understood by those that experience it. We did five rounds over a few years and so many retrievals and were lucky to be successful with two beautiful little ones. Fortunately we didn’t have to take out superannuation (that’s 401k) to do it like many couples in Australia that do it as some clinics are govt supported. Little Matchstick is adorable. Thank you.
Congrats on your two little ones! Wow, 5 rounds is brutal. I feel for you and I’m so glad you’re finally out of the IVF trenches.
Watch the Bollywood movie, GOOD NEWS. I remembered that movie when I read your blog post. Its relatable!
Oh good suggestion! I’ll add it to my “to watch list”.
Never cried like this in a long time.
Take heart, LM. You are loved, since before you can imagine.
Thanks, Riccardo!
So happy for your success! Also took four years with about 20 of various treatments to have mb. To tie in fi for folks, I wasn’t quite there but with partners salary we could afford this and I kept working until we finally succeeded when I was ready to give up ironically. Part of the suck factor as well is having boorish employers, one of whom was a woman who had two children each on the first try of ivf saying that she wasn’t given time off so wouldn’t for me. Now I put myself first with my employer and do no great favours. Praying for good outcomes for everyone ❤️
It is ironic that when we want to give up, that’s when it happens. Sorry to hear about your employer. It’s weird when other people with infertility struggles don’t have empathy for what you’re going through. I’m glad you got your little one in the end.
You actually don’t need your own doctor to order the AMH level if anyone’s curious- there are a lot of websites that will just let you self-pay online and then you just walk into a lab to get it drawn. No need for a referral.
Technically the order is signed by a physician/provider but all you need is the $$ to pay for it (HSA also covers this!). Personalabs.com is an example of this…
Very glad to hear you got your little matchbox < 3
Hard for me to have sympathy for anyone who chooses to have kids. They never asked to be here (me included), and it’s not like the world doesn’t already have enough problems.
Adoption is an entirely separate matter.
“ a more recent study done in Japan that says more realistically that 38 is the age fertility declines.”
I wonder if there is a racial component to the fertility declines ages as there is in the onset of puberty. Perhaps both studies were correct.
We did IVF and didn’t become parents. I think you are right that the failure is the hardest part. It’s also what kept me going longer than I should. I finally knew we were done after our donor egg cycle, our hopes were soo high with the quality and number of embryos we got. I took a home test and it was negative but I had to keep getting prednisone shots in my ass for several more days until I had my official negative from the doctor. Nothing in my life was as painful as those shots (also my husband was the worst at those). After that I just couldn’t do it anymore. Also we could have retired early with the money we spent. I don’t know why I’m commenting this, telling strangers on the internet things I never talk about but for some reason here I am. I am happy for you getting to be a parent, I’m happy for anyone who gets that joy.